You are now in... The State of Nonsense

Dental Clinic in Singapore

2010-10-07T17:46:00.001+08:00

One additional feature of the Zoom! Laser light unit is built-in with an infrared filter that helps lessen the intensity of light coming in contact with the teeth during the treatment. However, Zoom! bleaching light can illuminate the lower and upper set of teeth simultaneously while the solution is being applied on the teeth's surface.

The following summarizes some important characteristics of this professional whitening system.

1. The complete treatment normally takes about an hour and 30 minutes.
2. Each bleaching session, which lasts for 20 minutes, is divided into three separate applications of the Zoom! teeth whitener.
3. In other words, the contact of a patient's teeth to the bleaching gel is one hour.
4. After the treatment, instructions on how to use additional whitening item and/or tray-based teeth bleaching items are given to patients so they can extend the whitening process even outside the dental clinic.

Now here comes the important question, "Should you opt for the Zoom! Chairside Whitening System?"

Of course a great dental clinic in Singapore would be able to accomplish all this!

This is a resolution that needs to be discussed between you and the dentist who will perform the whitening treatment. The necessary information was already shed to you in this article. Generally speaking, many dentists trust this product as this is, according to many of them, an excellent product among other competitors. Besides, this product is created by a company that seems to have the sincerest intentions of producing a credible product since dentists should maintain their good reputations. Whatever outcomes happen to a patient after using the Zoom! Teeth whitening system, it should be as excellent as with any other high-end professional teeth bleaching systems.

My Crazy English Relatives

2009-06-21T01:44:00.005+08:00

I’d like to introduce you to a nice little family I know. They live partly within me so they don’t really exist in this dimension, but they are as real to me as Superman is to Superman fans. Or Spiderman to Spiderman fans. Or perhaps Hermione Granger is to raging hormonal teenage Potter fan boys. Whichever works for you. Anyhow, here's a sample of this family's a day and a life.

Mr Oxy Moron: Gee, this room is largely compact, I can hardly walk...

Mrs Redundancy: Dear, you’re already walking.

Mr Oxy Moron: Yes dear, but I’m in a rather cramped space right now.

Grandma Longwinded: You know, you could just lose some of those unnecessary fats you have on your thighs and arms. If I’ve told you once I’ve told you twice, you’ve got to learn to watch your weight! You’re not getting any younger and everything you eat has a consequence. Now don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes. I’ll just say-

Old Man Repetition: Yeah! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes! And really! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes! Hmph! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes!

Uncle Irony: Dad? Dad? Dad! I think you’re repeating yourself...

Aunty Euphemism: Honey... don’t be mean... he’s not really repeating himself.. he’s merely putting emphasis on important things.

Mrs Redundancy: We can’t cry when we get Osteoporosis or Diabetes?

Mr Oxy Moron: Hold on a sec though, what so bad about Osteoporosis anyway? Isn’t it a natural disease? Why should I care?

Mrs Redundancy: Dear... don’t say that... diseases are still diseases.

Dr Definition: My dear friend, Osteoporosis is a state by which there is serious thinning of the bones and reduction in bone mass due to depletion of calcium and bone protein.

Cousin Contradiction: Anyway Osteoporosis ain’t a disease man, even though it probably is... Meh..

Baby Babble: BB! BB! DD! FAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WAAAAAHH!

Aunty Euphemism: Aw look how cute! The baby’s making an increased volume of reverberations!

Uncle Irony: Why must you be so wordy about it? The baby’s simply making loud noises using his throat as an attempt to gain attention... Sheesh. Cut down on the vocabulary already.

Grandpa Synonym: Uncle Irony! Why are you so mean to your wife? Spouse? Marital Partner? Go apologise! Say sorry! Now! Immediately!

Aunty Euphemism: Aw it’s alright Grandpa, he’s not mean... simply verbally rough round the edges... right dear?

Uncle Irony: I refuse to answer that question even though I don’t know it’s Rhetoric.

Mr Oxy Moron: Ah Well! At least we’re one big happy family! Let’s not disturb peace shall we?

Dr Definition: Ah good old peace... simply the absence of war or other hostilities...

Grandma Longwinded: You know in my time there was no such thing as peace! Pah! Peace was but a dream sought after centuries of bloody warfare! You youngsters take it for granted nowadays not caring at all for the lives lost and lady liberty was bought with the blood of revolutionists. Don’t you forget your-

Baby Babble: BABABAAAAAA WAAAHH NANANANANA! TREG! DDAAAOOKK! NOOOPE! WAAAAARGGH! WAAAAHHH!

Mrs Redundancy: Look he’s crying and making silly noises again!

Cousin Contradiction: Baby Babble seems to be rather tame today is he not?

Old Man Repetition: Heeheehee! Heeheehee! Baby’s crying! Heeheehee! Baby’s crying! Heeheehee! Baby-

Mr Oxy Moron: Yes Dad! We get it! The big baby’s crying his lungs out...

Grandpa Synonym: Hmph! Is that the proper, suitable, apt way to speak, converse, talk to your elders!? Show more respect and reverence boy!

Grandma Longwinded: Yes! It’s about time you youngsters learn a thing or two about respect! Why when I was your age we were forced to do things and maintain an image among our elders! Children were meant to be seen and not heard! I say we should bring those times back, I really miss the good old days of simple respect based on a hierarchy of age. Count yourself lucky that there isn’t-

Professor Plot: You know what people? Frankly, I’m getting bored of this storyline! Let’s introduce a little mayhem to the lives of this peaceful family. I mean they keep yammering about useless boring things like Osteoporosis and making snide remarks about the baby crying. For goodness sake this scene needs some work... Let’s see... Ah I know!

(Suddenly Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God appears in their midst!)

Sun Wu Kong: Greetings Mortals! I am Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God!

Mrs Redundancy: AAAAHHH! It’s Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God!

Mr Oxy Moron: A Monkey God?

Sun Wu Kong: Yes! I AM A MONKEY GOD! Worship me before I beat your filthy asses into submission with my lovely Golden Cudgel here.

Grandpa Synonym: Cudgel? Nobody uses the word “Cudgel” nowadays! HAHAHA. You mean that stick, staff, pole, truncheon of yours?

Dr Definition: Technically a cudgel is a huge stick or club varying in length that is used as a weapon. So it’s pretty much the same thing Grandpa.

Uncle Irony: Yes he knows Dr Definition! He was just staying in character!

Sun Wu Kong: You puny people are starting to piss me off! Bow now before me or taste my Golden lead!

Aunty Euphemism: Bow? You mean to bend our torso as a sign of respect?

Cousin Contradiction: Of course! Is there any other way of bowing? Oh wait there is I think... Is there?

Grandma Longwinded: NO YOU IDIOT! But I refuse to bow before such a violent hairy being that appears out of nowhere just to make this stupid scene interesting! I refuse to worship a lame deus ex machina! I refuse to listen to anymore of his monkey crap! I suggest all of you get together and-

*Sun Wu Kong uses Golden Cudgel and violently whacks Grandma Longwinded across her back.*

*WHISH WHACK CRRAAACCCKK!!*

*Grandma Longwinded lies dead on the floor.*

Sun Wu Kong: NOW ARE THERE ANYMORE WISE COMMENTS?!?!

Mr Oxy Moron: Bad Heavens No!

Baby Babble: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHA HEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

- The State of Nonsense -

Are you a Moron?

2009-05-01T21:45:00.007+08:00

You know, as time passes me by and I look at the World around me I have come to realise something. I realised that people are more moronic than they think they are. Seriously, when you are surrounded by huge loads of bullshit everyday sometimes you just got to run and hide somewhere to regenerate. There is no peace anymore. People are doomed I tell you. We are all doomed. If God wasn’t in control, I assure you we would’ve destroyed ourselves a thousand times over a long time ago.

Well, I bet you’re reading this and going “He’s not talking about me.” or “He’s talking about that other guy.” To solve this, I have personally come up with a nice short quiz titled “Are you a Moron?” Not so sure that you’re a moron? No fear, just take this quiz and you’ll find out in a few minutes.

For each statement below that you find true for yourself, score 1 point. At the end of the quiz, there will be a scoring system and you'll be graded accordingly. So good luck!

1) You take more than 3 seconds to remember how to write your name.
2) You have a pet fish and you name it Lassie.
3) You asked your friend to give you a miss call and you answered it.
4) You have sent emails/smses/letters to yourself before.
5) You took the train in the wrong direction and took more than three stops to realise it.
6) Your name is “Hubert” or “Bernie”.
7) Your email starts with “summer”, “cool” or “super”.
8) You have failed the subject “Health Education” before.
9) You think Noah’s wife was called Joan of Arc.
10) You have laughed out loud while watching the News.
11) You like High School Musical.
12) You drove to Johor Bahru and called it an “Overseas Trip”.
13) You are a Bus Driver that refuses to let people enter because they paid 85 cents instead of 90 cents.
14) You have either “Jonas Brothers”, “Miley Cyrus” or “Limp Bizkit” on your iPod.
15) You think Microsoft Windows is a good Operating Software.
16) You think going to a Temple, Synagogue, Church or Mosque is “the same thing”.
17) You pay with a cheque at the NTUC.
18) You think McDonalds actually serve food.
19) You paid 9 bucks to watch “Disaster Movie”, “Epic Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”.
20) You get married in Maple Story.
21) You find watching commercials entertaining.
22) You wear glasses when your eyesight is fine.
23) You used to watch Teletubbies.
24) You regularly use an overly emotional MSN Nick.
25) You think the number of friends you have on Facebook is directly proportionate to the number of friends you have in real life.
26) You buy “The New Paper” for real news.
27) You think Techno Music is Music.
28) You think Coca Cola is a “great drink”.
29) You own a Nokia N-Gage.
30) You think that playing Sports will get you somewhere in life.
31) You wear skinny jeans.
32) You think Valentine’s Day is a meaningful occasion.
33) You think Crocs are real shoes.
34) You think Clubbing friends are real friends.
35) You type complex life questions in Google hoping to get them answered.
36) You use more abbreviations than real words in MSN conversations.
37) You are emotionally affected by “Celebrity News”.
38) You thought Bush was a good President.
39) You believe in Conspiracy Theories.
40) You got jailed for stealing a Snickers Bar.
41) You combine both English and Chinese when you speak.
42) You take photos of inanimate objects.
43) You are emotionally or psychologically affected if some random soccer club beats another equally random soccer club in some idiot football league.
44) You establish your sense of self worth by going to Clubs.
45) You are a teacher that gives Holiday Homework like any student really gives a shit.
46) You took a shit in a public toilet before checking if there was toilet paper.
47) You think writing in twit language is “cute”. E.g. “dUncH fWeN eUu lErx!! hMpHxZ!!~!”
48) You parked in a Red Lot before realising it was a Red Lot.
49) You think cheerleading is a real Sport.
50) You smoke and/or do drugs on a regular basis.
51) You refute Christianity with “The Da Vinci Code”.
52) You label yourself as a “Conservative” or “Liberal” when you know nobody gives a shit.
53) You think that International Chess and Chinese Chess are “the same thing”.
54) You don’t know the difference between a homosexual and a homosapien.
55) You think arbitrary online personality quizzes define you.
56) You think the Merlion is a practical, relevant and realistic symbol for Singapore.
57) You make life decisions based on Horoscopes, Palm readings or some other Psychic bullshit.
58) You think the Martial Arts are a useful skill to learn in lieu of the 21st Century.
59) You think Intellectual Property Theft is the same as real Theft.
60) You took this quiz seriously.

The Moron Scoring System

0 pts - Congratulations! You may not be a moron. This isn't a universally standardised list you idiot.

1 to 10 pts - You are a Minor moron. You have got some hope, perhaps you made a few mistakes here and there but nothing major or definitive. All you have to do is watch out from now on and make sure you don't put your head up someone's ass again.

11 to 20 pts - You are a Below Average moron. Danger is looming for you and if you don't get out soon you'll suffer the consequences. You exhibit several tell tale signs of being a moron but you also have some sanity left. Cling to it and don't let go, it may be all you have left to save you.

21 to 30 pts - You are a Standard Moron. No ifs and buts about it. You know it yourself and you might be wondering how you got to this state and how to escape. There may be some hope left but don't count on it. Perhaps if you considered surrendering yourself to the Police, but I doubt it since you're probably too much of a moron to read this far, so screw you.

31 to 40 pts - You are a Total Moron. You disgust me. Get away from society before you infect the rest of us. You probably have problems speaking coherently, write in twit and love High School Musical. My advice? There is no hope but to flee, flee, flee.

41 to 50 pts - You are a Moron of Epic Proportions. Wow, honestly I didn't think anyone would get this far. You are such a moron that other morons would call you a moron. You live in some moronic oblivion that normal people can't even fathom. I only hope that you don't bring others down with you.

51 to 60 pts - You are THE ULTIMATE MORON. Your moronic behaviour has no parallel. You are the Alpha Moron, the very bottom of the food chain. You are an almost mythical being that other morons talk about in moron campfires, whispering to each other about your moronic exploits. This is the ultimate end of human sanity as it is.

So there it is. Are you a Moron? Probably.

- The State of Nonsense -

Confessions of a Karang Guni Man

2009-04-11T11:25:00.008+08:00

You know, I’m getting rather sick and tired of all these “Confessions of...” shows and books. Honestly, it’s getting on my nerves. The newest one in the list is that stupid show “Confessions of a Shopaholic”. I mean seriously... Who cares? That irritating Isla Fisher really pisses me off. And then there was this one by that stupid Lindsay Lohan “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Shit Queen” or something. I was dumb enough to actually watch it and really it should just be called “Confessions of a lameass wannabe moron who needs to learn how to stop whining and give me back my ten bucks for the movie”.

I mean what’s there to confess? You only confess something when it’s wrong or should I say, ethically questionable. These people in the movies or books usually did nothing wrong per se and they basically end up lumping their entire life story as a so called “Confession”. Utter bull I tell you. Read my lips, there’s a friggin world of a difference between an AUTOBIOGRAPHY and a CONFESSION. As far as I’m concerned, the only place confessions should be done is in a Church. And that’s only if you’re Catholic. For the rest of us, it’s called “I’m sorry for please don’t bring me to court because I have two children, a whiny wife, an old sick mother and whatnot to take care of so how about I give you 57 dollars and we call this a day.”

So since this whole “Confessions of...” idea is for some reason becoming rather popular, I have cynically decided to jump on the bandwagon. And who to feature but someone who actually uses a wagon for a living: the ever lovely Karang Guni Man. As so, I’ve taken the liberty to do some research on a particular Karang Guni Man called “Mr Fok Heng Kok”. And by research I mean tracking him to one corner and threatening to throw away all my newspapers if he doesn’t tell me his vital statistics. So here is some random vital information about good old Mr Heng Kok the Karang Guni Man.

Name: Mr. Fok Heng Kok
D.O.B: 3rd March 1957
Age: 52
Occupation: Professional Karang Guni Man
R. Status: Married
IC Number: S5749531D
Address: 64 Punggol Street Blk 77 #04-31 Singapore (139004)

House No: 68846630
Office No: Nil
HP No: 98663021
NOK No: 88074365
PSLE Table No: 32887
“O” Level Seat No: 29
Ngee Ann Poly Student No: 10034669
NS BMT 4D No: 4209
NS BSLC 4D No: 3305
NS Unit 4D No: 1307

Bank Account No: *** ***** **
Credit Card No: **** ******* **** **** ***

House Computer Username: Hengkok
House Computer Password: iloverubbish11

eBay Username: Hengkoksell
eBay Password: ireallyloverubbish11

Karanguniforums Username: iamhengkok64
Karanguniforums Password: istillloverubbish11

Email: hengkokrocks@hotmail.com
Email Password: iheartrubbish11

The Confessions

Now of course getting a Karang Guni Man to admit to his many sins and wrongdoings was no easy task because who in the world would just throw out all their skeletons in the closet with no incentive right? So in light of this, I took the time to hire a very effective interrogator and I must say he was well worth the money. Introducing... The Grim Reaper himself and Mr Fok Heng Kok.

The Grim Reaper: Death... Mr Fok Heng Kok... I am hereby here to extract a confession from you... for your many sins... Death... So... out with it... what are your greatest sins... a confession... is needed for penance... Death...

Mr Heng Kok: Confesshon ar? Si mi Confesshon? I dunno thing lah! I come here just want collect ji po jia, wu sar kor, ladio, tin si ki only. Where got care what confesshon?

The Grim Reaper: Do not test my patience mortal... What are your greatest wrongs... out with it now... before I-

Mr Heng Kok: Wrongs harh? Orh! So you are like CID larh? Wears the normal clothe then come talk and scold people to catch lah. Tio boh?

The Grim Reaper: Death... Death... Death... to you... you moron...

Mr Heng Kok: Aiyah! K lah k lah... I make quick one lah I later have go KTV lounge with Beng Kok and Seto so faster finish faster zhao. What you want?

The Grim Reaper: Death... I just said... what are your greatest wrongs... confess it all... and you just might be spared... a gruesome... death...

Mr Heng Kok: Wrongs harh... Aiyah! That time ar at the Lorong 34 toilet horh I shit many many and big piece leh! But horh! I forgot to flush leh! HAHA! Na beh lah the shit damn big can forget flush sia. Damn stoopid man me.

The Grim Reaper: Forgetting to flush... is indeed... a grievous sin... you... need much... help... Death...

Mr Heng Kok: Then hor... that time right... I went Choa Chu Kang Street 17 right and then hor I go there to collect jip oh jia, wu sar kor, ladio and tin si ki lah. But then hor, I whole morning never go toilet pee ar. So hor in the Choa Chu Kang block 66 right got this damn shit person wan. Her name hor is called Chee Bee Leng and she is this damn fat ah soh! She damn irritating lah! Everytime also her newspaper machiam like shit liddat then always ask for more money. Na beh lah. So that time right, I buay song her so I in the morning right went to pee at her door. HAHA. Damn funny sia.

The Grim Reaper: Excreting of bio waste in public with malicious intent... evil of gigantic proportions...

Mr Heng Kok: Also hor, there’s this time right, at Bukit Gombak block 236 or something lah. Then right I went to this house and the maid hor damn blur sia! She give me the newspaper I weigh hor actually right is suppose to be 5 dollar and 49 cents leh. But hor I tell her is 5 dollar and 62 cents! And nab eh, she acherly believe me leh! HAHA. So I get extra 13 cents lor! Damn happy lah. In the end I go use this 13 cents to go Lorong the toilet and shit again.

The Grim Reaper: Intentional cheating of foreign hire... your fate is doomed mortal...

Mr Heng Kok: But right all this thing neh mind one lah. The worst thing right is that time hor I went to Clementi there the sunset way hor and I anyhow press the horn leh! HAHAHA. The best thing right is I never bring my trolley and weighing thing leh! I just go there want to anyhow press horn so people pek chek and get ready newspaper but then hor no karang guni man come! HAHA. I just anyhow keep pressing horn for 45 minute leh! HAHAHA. But hor people damn pek chek lah then complain to town council and to MP and I kenna ban from Clementi lor. Damn shit lah. Na Beh.

The Grim Reaper: Malicious intent of the highest degree... you deserve the cruellest of all punishments... You... will... take away all my newspapers... no karang guni man has visited me... since 1289... What say you?

Mr Heng Kok: Na beh lah! Liddat is what? 800 years of newspaper ar? CB lah! I whole life also cannot sell finish lah. KNN CCB!

And so, Mr Fok Heng Kok took all of The Grim Reaper’s 800 years worth of newspapers and slowly sold them to recycling companies in batches. In the end, he did manage to sell it all off after 28 years and with the money earned, Mr Fok Heng Kok enjoyed a nice albeit exceeding late retirement.

- The State of Nonsense -

King Solomon & Britney Spears

2009-03-29T02:14:00.009+08:00

What do King Solomon and Britney Spears have in common? You might think this is an utterly insane question to ask, not to mention irrelevant. But, my friend, I beg to differ. There is indeed a fundamental similarity shared between these two characters. Crazy as it sounds, it’s definitely there. Can you see it?

You’re probably going: “Dude, one’s an ancient Jewish king blessed with extraordinary wisdom and the other’s a modern pop culture icon recently known for a failed marriage with some random rapper wannabe. How the heck could they have anything in common?”

I understand your confusion, but I still beg to differ. Why? Here’s why.

Basically, I was up at 2 am searching for the song “Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Cailat” when instead I stumbled on an ancient song by Britney Spears going by the same title. For those who hate Britney Spears or those who’ve been living with your head under an ass all these years here are the lyrics to the song “Lucky” by Spears.

Lucky by Britney Spears

This is a story about a girl named Lucky…
Early morning, she wakes up
Knock, knock, knock on the door
It's time for makeup, perfect smile
It's you they're all waiting for
They go…"Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?

"And they say…

[CHORUS:]
She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night

Lost in an image, in a dream
But there's no one there to wake her up
And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning
But tell me what happens when it stops?

They go…"Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?"

"Best actress, and the winner is…Lucky!"
"I'm Roger Johnson for Pop News standing outside the arena waiting for Lucky"
"Oh my god…here she comes!"

Isn't she lucky, this Hollywood girl?
She is so lucky, but why does she cry?
If there's nothing missing in her life
Why do tears come at night?

Now as you can see the chorus of this song struck a chord in my heart. It made me think, here is a person who has everything, literally everything one could ever want in life and yet, she cries at night. Now most of us at some point in our lives would’ve probably shed a tear or two over a lost loved one or a lost hand phone or something. But this was something more, there was no specific reason as to why she should cry and yet, she does so every night. You can almost sense the despair in her voice... Why? Why do these tears come at night?

If a superstar still finds it difficult to lock up her tear ducts and force a smile then what hope do us, mere mortals, have then? Are we doomed to a never ending spiral of progress and regress? And of course this leads me back to my original comparison of Britney Spears and King Solomon. I’m pretty sure you can see where this leads.

King Solomon, another spectacular chap in the super ancient World was probably the modern equivalent of Warren Buffet and Nelson Mandela. For the biblically ignorant, King Solomon was an ancient King of Israel who was blessed with supernatural wisdom and with that he led the nation in a Golden age of prosperity and progress. He was insanely rich, unimaginably wise and pretty much had everything one could ever want and more in a life. Of course he kind of cheated in the first place because his extraordinary wisdom came from a wish God himself gave to him.

It’s in times like these you just go “Hey Jesus, that ain’t fair man, where’s my wish? I want a new stapler man. I wish for a new stapler because my exams are coming soon and I can’t live with loose sheets of paper.”

So what exactly does King Solomon and Britney Spears have in common? Well, they both had everything and yet they felt emptiness and a sense of meaninglessness deep inside. It is this feeling that makes them parallels in existence. Both had everything anyone could ever want. Both had the ability to lead millions. Both had the superstar status of their time. Both held the extreme admiration of not just their fellow countrymen but by international humanity. And yet, both felt the pointlessness of it all. If there is NOTHING missing in my life, then WHY do these TEARS come at night?

King Solomon highlighted his sense of meaninglessness ever so poignantly in the Bible right in the book of Ecclesiastes. Below are some highlighted verses which showcase his so called pointless existence. Take note this is from one of the wealthiest and wisest men of ancient history.

Everything is Meaningless by King Solomon

Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."

What does man gain from all his labour at which he toils under the sun?
All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again.
There is nothing new under the sun.

What a heavy burden God has laid on men!

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun,
all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

So we have two different people with two separate ways of expression, poetry and song, but both with the same fundamental message of futility. The myth of Sisyphus comes to mind when you view this in its whole context. Sisyphus was a mythical being who was condemned by the gods to constantly roll a stone up a hill for eternity. He would roll a huge stone up a hill and then the stone would roll down again and he would roll the same stone up again the same way over and over again forever and ever. Can you imagine the torture? The whole dullness of it all, the routine and repetition grinds away at your sanity and slowly consumes your very will to exist.

That, my friend, is in essence what King Solomon, Britney Spears and everyone who ever existed has in common. It is in all of us. Like a splinter in our souls and an aching in our hearts. This is the very reason all of us has asked at least once in our lives “What’s the meaning of life?” or “Why am I here?” It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from or what timeline you were born in, you will inevitably have pondered this and no matter what your answer to that question is, it will always be there.

If superstars and ancient kings can share the same philosophical burden as the common peasant or taxi driver then my friend, we are all in this together. Humanity has always found solutions for the Problem of Pain. Pain is easy. It’s a sensation to be avoided and only to be utilised when necessary for progress. Given a choice, most of us would avoid pain. Pain has been conquered many times and although there are certain heavy issues regarding to pain, it has never been quite as important to me as the other problem. And that is, the Problem of Pleasure.

Huh? What Problem of Pleasure? How could pleasure possibly be a problem? I assure you it is the very reason why pleasure exists that we ask the question why we exist. You see, after pain there is relief and relief is a motivation, it is a reason to live. Pain is temporary and no matter how bad things get, you can always see the end, whether be it philosophically, physically, emotionally or existentially. It is this end that motivates you to endure, to go on. Pleasure however, will never have a way out. The end of pleasure is the end of the meaning of most of our existences. Why do I say this?

Have you ever felt that after doing a certain thing it would deliver the ultimate in pleasure and yet after you have just done it, it has let you down? Pleasure is subconsciously the goal of most of us; we find our way to it in many ways, be it through pain or progress. But when we finally get there we find ourselves unfulfilled and no different from where we started and the worst thing is, there is nowhere else you can go. The end of pleasure is a terrible place to be as that is the place of utter meaninglessness, where all your hopes and dreams have come true and YET you are STILL left with NOTHING.

A story was told of a young Olympic sprinter who has trained his whole life to get that Gold medal. His dream was achieving that Gold no matter what and he put his 110% in getting there. And finally after ages of tough and gruelling training, it was his turn to hit the Olympic track. And on that fateful day, a friend asked him what he feared most and he replied with this:

“Today is the day I prove the reason of my existence and yet I’m afraid. Not of losing, injury or failure. I’m not even afraid of my opponents. What I’m most afraid of is knowing that I have put in my all, getting that Gold, having all my dreams come true and yet still not knowing why I am here.”

So what do Ancient Kings, Pop culture icons, Investors, The Hong Kong Triads, Dictators, Accountants, Fishermen, Porn stars, Hackers, Presidents, Cheerleaders, Children, Sinsehs, Rapists, Geniuses, Beggars, Pharoahs, The Mafia, Communists, Indians, Scientologists, NTUC Cashiers, The entire Microsoft Corporation, Bangladeshi Workers, Sailors, Lottery Winners, Ghurkhas, Ministers, Eskimos, Generals, Gangsters, Buddhist Monks, Olympic Sprinters, Scientists, The CIA, Pilots, Scribes and all the Terracotta Warriors have in common?

We all cry at night.

- The State of Nonsense -

My Journey to Nowhere

2009-02-22T11:37:00.006+08:00

Many of you who see this new post here will probably be thinking “Ah, good, that lazy ass bugger finally decided to update”. And that’s true except for the fact that I’m not a lazy ass bugger. You might be thinking, “Where the heck has Paul been all this while?” I know, I know, tuning to a perpetual dead blog is no fun, it’s like going to the 7 11 every day for a Slurpee and somehow they’re always out of stock or when they do have stock it’s always some crappy flavour like mango or something. Who the hell drinks mango Slurpee anyway? So yes, I do understand, somewhat.

But, you see, most people confuse understanding with caring. Someone may understand a situation but may not give two hoots about it. Vice versa, one may totally misunderstand what’s actually happening but give a World of care. So although I do understand your depressing plight of endless dead blog reading, I simply do not care. Ok, now we’ve got that straightened out, let’s move on.

The essential question is where I’ve been all this while. Well, boy do I have a story to tell you. You see, it all started with a simple toenail examination. I went down as usual to the toenail clinic and requested for a regular check up. Now, this is almost boring because it’s routine and honestly I dislike routine, so to cut a long story short, basically what happened was that stupid toenail doctor wasn’t in. Mind you, I waited for 43 minutes and 12 seconds before the moronic toenail nurse realised the doctor wasn’t in. How inefficient is that? That was rhetoric, so no wisecracks please thank you.

They say time is money and in this instance I whole heartedly agree because this means the stupid toenail clinic just robbed me of 43 minutes and 12 seconds of my time. And since time is money, they’ve just robbed me of my cash too! Was I going to take that lying down!? Heck No! So what did I do? I did what every sensible person would have done. I called the Board of Currency Exchange or BCE to find out what was the exchange rate for minutes and seconds to dollars and cents. The phone call went something like this:

Me: Hello. Is this the BCE?

BCE Rep: Yes sir, this is the BCE, how can I help?

Me: Well, you can start by telling me what the exchange rate from time to cash is.

BCE Rep: I’m sorry sir... What did you say again?

Me: I said can you please tell me what the exchange rate is for minutes and seconds to dollars and cents.

(Momentary Silence lasting for about 5 seconds)

BCE Rep: ...Erm I’m sorry sir, but I’ve got no idea what you want from me...

Me: You’re an idiot.

BCE Rep: Please sir, understand that what you ask is not in our system. There’s no such thing as a literal monetary value attached to time.

Me: Maybe. But you’re still an idiot.

BCE Rep: Sir, please refrain from using demeaning language, its not-

Me: Now you’re a moron.

BCE Rep: Ok sir, I think I’m going to hang up.

Me: Yes you go be a nice little boy and do that now.

(Phone is hung up)

Feeling rather peeved at the inefficiency of our society, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Fortunately, the area around me was in the vicinity of a temple. The temple was called “The Temple of the Wu Ji” which in English means absolutely nothing. I went inside and sought help from an abbot sitting in the nearest hall. The abbot was rather pleased with my entrance and asked one of the junior monks to fetch some coffee. I had no idea monks kept coffee in their temples. Wasn’t caffeine consumption some kind of a divine offence? No? Who cares?

Ok anyway, I took the coffee and told him my plight. I told him all about the tardy toenail doctor and the annoying BCE Rep and how my toenail still hurt and everything. By the time my tale was done, an hour had gone past. The abbot was silent throughout and he stared at me with his old man eyes. You know those old rusty brown eyes with drooping eyelids and a cloudy shade to it. That’s what I had to stare at for an hour. Have you ever tried staring into old man eyes for an hour? It’s incredibly boring. Don’t try it.

So after an exhausting one hour of non stop complaining, the abbot responded. What he said was simple, precise and informative. It went something like this:

Old Abbot: “Lei gong meh ah?”

Me: “...” (Stunned)

Old Abbot: “Gnoh tang mh doh.”

Me: “Huh?”

Old Abbot: “LEI GONG MEH AH!? GNOH TANG MH DOH!”

It was just then I realised “Lei gong meh ah?” was Cantonese for “What are you saying?” and “Gnoh tang mh doh” was Cantonese for “I can’t hear you.” So basically the stupid abbot was saying he couldn’t hear me at all and was wondering what I was saying all this while. Just great isn’t it? The day just keeps getting better and better. Now I’ve wasted another friggin hour talking to an old and deaf abbot. Wonderful.

The abbot kept rocking back and forth mumbling to himself about who knows what. It was then I concluded he was a bit senile and if I don’t leave soon I’d soon go crazy myself. So I got up and started walking towards the exit. It was then I noticed the hallway was filled with different idols and various exotic monuments to the divine. Among them were Erlang Shen, Sun Wukong, Nezha, Guanyin Ma, Tua Peh Kong and there was this one in a corner that looked like some random fat guy that ate too much pizza. Actually, if you think about it, a third of them look like they’ve had too much pizza, another third look like they wanna kill somebody and the rest were either smiling some kind of pervert smile or look like they wanna sleep.

It was rather amusing walking down that hall and gazing at all the various deities and their assortments. All was fine and dandy till I came to the last altar. This one really caught my eye. Why? Because it was the only one without any idol, figurine or food on it. In fact, it had nothing on it except for this big red button that said “Do Not Press.” Although this was a Chinese temple with a Cantonese speaking Abbot filled with Chinese deities and words, it was indeed strange and out of place that a random button should be labelled with English. Or perhaps it’s just an attempt by me to cover up the fact that my Chinese sucks and I can’t type “Do Not Press” in Chinese. No matter. The button was there and it said “Do Not Press.”

Well, any normal sensible human would probably go “Yeah, I shouldn’t press it. I don’t know what’s going to happen, it might be some kind of fire alarm or something and I don’t want to cause any trouble.” And so you walk away. Unfortunately, I’m not a normal sensible human. I went “I’m bored, annoyed and need some respite for all the time that I’ve wasted so far. Why not press this button and hopefully something exciting will happen.” And so I pressed it.

It was then when I noticed a sign post on the right. It read:

“Warning, This is the Altar of the Permanent Nullifier. Pressing the button will erase user’s entire existence completely and permanently in exactly the time it takes to read this."

Me: “WHAT THE!? OH SHI-“

- The State of Nonsense -

Pencil Sharpeners are Better than Humans

2008-11-16T00:27:00.002+08:00

We humans always think we’re the best. Don’t you agree? We’re the ones who named all the animals. We’re the ones who explore, construct and create. We’re the ones endowed with the power of thought and the freedom of choice (or at least those not in NS are). We’re the ones at the top of the food chain. We have accomplished so much as humans here on this planet it’s understood we’re the best. I mean, I once saw a poster saying “Behold! The World’s Most Dangerous Creature: Homo Sapiens.”

You have to agree. We have indeed done much. One might even argue we have done too much. Which is why I’ve long pondered over these questions: Are we really the best? What could possibly be better than a human?

And after years of serious thought, I believe I’ve come to a concrete answer. Indeed, a Pencil Sharpener is the one thing that is definitely better than a Human Being. I’m sure you’re probably begging the question as to why right now.

Why?

Why are Pencil Sharpeners better than Humans?

Here are 5 very good reasons.

1) Pencil Sharpeners only have one hole while Humans have more than one hole.

Some people argue that having more holes is actually an advantage but I vehemently disagree. You see, in the game of golf if you have only one hole in your score sheet that means you got the best possible score ever, the hole in one. Also, if you only have one hole, it is safer for everyone around you because there is a lesser chance of people falling into the holes. Holes as you know can be a health hazard because when you fall in you’ll break your legs and having broken legs is not fun.

2) Pencil Sharpeners can sharpen pencils while Humans have to use pencil sharpeners to sharpen pencils.

This is pretty self explanatory. Pencil Sharpeners can sharpen pencils with dead set efficiency. Humans on the other hand can’t even begin to sharpen a pencil without the aid of a Pencil Sharpener. And to add insult to injury, with all the holes a human has, neither of them can sharpen a pencil like the hole a Pencil Sharpener has. I think my point is well established here.

3) Pencil Sharpeners keep their waste shavings efficiently while Humans shit all over the place.

Most Pencil Sharpeners are all about cleanliness and waste efficiency. Pencil Sharpeners care about the environment so much they keep their waste shavings in tiny little boxes and dispose of them nicely. Humans on the other hand, shit all over the place. Some humans even go all the way into jungles for field camps and shit all over the jungle. And the worst part is those people don’t even bother to cover their shit up! They just leave it lying on the floor and that’s dangerous because a wild boar might mistake it for a chocolate milkshake and lick it all up. Terrible.

4) Humans are directly responsible for World Wars, Global Pollution and Economic Meltdowns while Pencil Sharpeners just sit there.

Have you ever met a Pencil Sharpener you didn’t like? Probably not. That’s because Pencil Sharpeners are peace loving things that just sit there quietly. Humans, however, don’t. We shout all over the place, piss people off and burn stuff down on a consistent basis. Pencil Sharpeners are infinitely more peace-loving than humans. You don’t see a white Pencil Sharpener beating the crap out of a black Pencil Sharpener do you? Likewise you also don’t see a “Made in China” Pencil Sharpener kicking a “Made in Taiwan” Pencil Sharpener in the gonads too right? Wish I could say the same for humans though...

5) Pencil Sharpeners can be instantly bought while you have to wait a whole 9 months before your Human is delivered.

Pencil Sharpeners are always there for you. They are punctual, easily available and rarely fail you. Getting a Pencil Sharpener is easy and fast. You go down to a store and buy one. That’s it. An effective human on the other hand, is notoriously difficult to attain. You have to first find two humans, get them to like each other, followed by this terribly expensive ceremony called marriage and then a little something called mutual pro creation or otherwise known as reproduction occurs. Then depending on luck and other environmental factors, a potential human may occur. At this point it is still a potential human. Only after a full friggin 9 months does this potential human become a mini human. And only after 21 friggin years later does this mini human become a full blown effective adult human. And all this while assuming nothing goes wrong with the process and everything is in favourable condition. Pretty obvious which is better.

So there you have it. The top 5 reasons why Pencil Sharpeners are better than Humans. A rather objective outlook I must say. Beg to differ you say? Well, think about this, Pencil Sharpeners don’t argue while you do. This makes a Pencil Sharpener way better than you. So shut up.

- The State of Nonsense -

Walk around Naked all day

2008-10-27T20:05:00.005+08:00

You.

Yes You.

What are you doing?

No, really, what in the world are you doing?

Studying? Working? Researching? Talking? Just mindlessly surfing the web trying to find some mental titbits for your brain to chew on?

Why?

Why do you do what you do?

Why the Heck are you doing what you’re doing?

What are you?

A human? Are you sure? How do you know? Is that what they’ve been telling you all these years? That you’re a human?

What is a human?

Do you know?

Do you even know?

What do you work as?

How do you spend your time?

How do you live your life?

As a mechanic? A teacher? A lifeguard? An accountant? A lawyer? A doctor? A student? A faeces and waste management allocator?

Why?

Why you do that?

Why do you do what you’re doing?

Seriously. Just stop. Yes, just stop. Stop what you’re doing right now and think. Think about these two questions.

1) What are you doing right now?
2) And Why do you do it?

Why?

Let me guess, you do what you do because you need money, you need to support your family, you need to exist, you need to buy things to fill certain needs. Am I right? Is that your answer?

Ok.

But why do you need to exist?

Why do feel you need to exist?

Why MUST you exist?

Who told you existence was necessary?

No one right?

You just know. You need... to exist. To survive. To live to the very end.

Let me ask you. If death is inevitable why do we prolong it? Why do we do everything we can to push it further when in our hearts and minds we know it WILL come.

What’s the difference between the NOW and the LATER? Is NOW really worse than LATER if the net result is the same? After all, death claims all and nothing is brought past the lines of mortality. So why do we continue to exist? To want to live? To choose to exist. To push our state of being into forever? Why do we strive to achieve the pointless in the meaningless?

They say life is precious.

But who the heck are they?

They? Why should we listen to them?

If death claims all and this is all there is, who is one man to say I am above another? Who are you to tell me to do what to do? If we’re all equals in existence and parallels in the pointless, why should we even listen to anyone? Why should you even be reading this? Who the heck cares? Go away.

Nihilism is both devastatingly depressing and lavishly liberating at the same time. To know the meaning of life is death. To believe there is nothing to live for... sets you free and traps you at the same time doesn’t it?

Honestly, I don’t blame people who commit suicide. Most people think it’s a tragedy. That it’s a shame. Is it really? The person’s going to die anyway, he just died earlier that’s all. What’s the big deal? In fact, I think the people who commit suicide are actually just being logical. Suicide is a logical response in an atheistic worldview. If life were a math question and atheism was the method of solution, suicide would be the inevitable conclusion of logic.

Most think those who commit suicide are stupid or crazy, but I tell you, the people who don't commit suicide are the stupid ones. The people who keep living on for pointless things are the crazy ones. Atheistically speaking, do you realise you're living a lie if you still exist?

Think about it. If there is no consequence after death, I can kill a hundred million people, rape a thousand women and steal all the gold in the World, there would be no friggin difference between the man who lived a pious life and didn’t so much as jaywalk or spit chewing gum. So, what is the point of morality then? Why do you not steal then? When you know that death is all there is and there is no life after death.

WHY THE HECK ARE YOU STILL STUDYING WHEN YOU COULD BE MURDERING YOUR TEACHER RIGHT NOW?

Heck, why not burn your school down. Start a communist revival. Sell drugs. Run around kicking babies. Litter in parks. Become a terrorist. Shoot vegetarians. Be a serial killer. Curse and swear. Pee in your neighbour’s garden.

Seriously.

What’s the point? Really.

Can somebody tell me.

What’s the point?

WHAT’S THE POINT???

You see...

IN AN ATHEISTIC WORLDVIEW, EXISTENCE IS ILLOGICAL.

You might as well walk around naked all day.

- The State of Nonsense -

Some People...

2008-10-02T22:51:00.004+08:00

You have no idea.

Some people spend their whole life searching for this.
Some people wait entire lifetimes for this.

Some people kill themselves over this.
Some people find life because of this.

Some people will give everything for this.
Some people have everything because of this.

Some people hope with all their heart for this.
Some people give up all hope because of this.

Some people centre their entire existence on this.
Some people exist because of this.

Some people dream of this.
Some people wish for this.

Some people lose sleep over this.
Some people sleep soundly because of this.

Some people commit murder because of this.
Some people are murdered because of this.

Some people place their futures on this.
Some people have futures because of this.

Some people sell their souls for this.
Some people get souls because of this.

Some people believe in this.
Some people can't believe because of this.

Some people cry their eyes out over this.
Some people smile their best because of this.

Some people are free because of this.
Some people are trapped because of this.

Some people run away because of this.
Some people run back because of this.

Some people put on masks because of this.
Some people throw away masks because of this.

Some people deny themselves because of this.
Some people find themselves because of this.

And some people will never ever get this.

What is this?

I have no idea.

Do You?

- The State of Nonsense -

Permission to Exist, Sir.

2008-09-28T18:25:00.005+08:00

What’s it like? That’s the question I get asked the most.

And so, I’ll tell it to you right here.

The very first thing I saw was a large green monster. The monster’s name was Nelly, so we called him Nelly the LGM. Nelly had three toes, an exceedingly large head and long claws on each of his six gnarled arms. Nelly never spoke. He either barked, screamed or hollered. I think Nelly didn’t have vocal cords, rather he simply swallowed some huge THD amplifier when he was a kid and spoke that way ever since. I can’t remember what he shouted on the first day. Probably along the lines of “we own you now so stop squirming” and something about “succumbing to the clutches of evil” and “there is no hope so give up” kinda thing.

Honestly, I was rather dazed throughout the whole ordeal. Everything was blurry and I couldn’t see more than two feet ahead of me. The next thing I knew, we were given some huge sack cloths to put on, and so we did. Unfortunately, I have never worn a sack cloth in my life, so I put it on the wrong way round. Apparently though, this simple act of error somehow angered the four gods of miniscule rulings.

Irk, The First god of Miniscule Rulings.
The greatest of the four, is a stone cold ruler. He never speaks unless it need be spoken.

Jeb, The Second god of Miniscule Rulings.
The vice of the four, is a nonchalantly disconnected ruler. He speaks only because he has to.

Bra, The Third god of Miniscule Rulings.
The support of the four, is a quietly violent ruler. He speaks either quietly or violently.

Sok, The Fourth god of Miniscule Rulings.
The least of the four, is a benevolent ruler. He speaks only words of kindness.

And so this is what happened when they caught me wearing the sack cloth wrongly.

Irk: By the names and surnames of the four gods! You have worn your sackcloth wrongly! Fie on thee for committing such a heinous deed! I am positively quivering with rage right now!

Me: Erm I-

Jeb: How dare YOU give a response when none has been called for! Even though social laws dictate it is common sense to, I still say it is wrong because I am always right!

Me: ...

Bra: By the great sticks of flaming heaven! How dare you ignore your superiors when they are obviously shouting their asses off at you!

Me: But you just said-

Irk: Enough! You have babbled enough! My ears are ringing from the sheer opposition of the mangled words that are spewing from that blasphemous hole you call a mouth!

Me: ...

Jeb: Well!? What do you have to say to that!?

Me: I thought you just-

Bra: May the thousand dusts of the seven mountains rain curses upon your sorry head you little maggot! Just shut that irritating pie hole of yours before I shut it for you!

Me: ...

Sok: Just turn the sack cloth around and you’ll be fine.

Me: Wow. Just wow.

And so with that, I turned my sack cloth around and the wrath of the four gods of miniscule rulings were appeased. Others, however, were not as lucky as me. Some got devoured by the flames of judgement and others were consumed by the tides of fury. Like this one stout fellow I saw, all he did was blink thrice within a ten second time frame and Jeb went crazy and ate him up in two bites. It was a horrifying sight. And if you think that was bad enough, Irk actually roundhouse kicked another dude for having too big a smile. The last I heard, the dude’s still sailing through the air on the way to the sun or something.

What’s the worst thing out of all this? We were actually asked that question. One guy stood up and said “It’s really boring.” The gods, obviously peeved, asked why with a sneer. And all the poor guy could offer were some vague reasons with a pathetic justification for each. Sadly, he didn’t make it. The thing is, the question sort of got me thinking even more. Why does this suck? Truly, what is the real reason behind all our vehement objection?

If I was asked that question, this is what I would say.

“With all due respect sir, the reason why this sucks, the true reason why most of us would rather be impaled on a stick then go through this is because you have robbed us of that which defines us as being. In essence, we have been kidnapped from reality, thrust into that which is unknown, flung into the empty and somehow, still expected to be. We have been stripped of the very key that identifies us as such. For you see sir, that which defines us is not money, nor love, nor friendship, nor looks, nor speech, nor emotions, nor logic, nor thoughts, nor memories, nor experiences. What defines us sir, is the power of choice. Choice is what sets us apart from merely that to being. Choice is the key proponent that fuels the fires of freedom, the giver of rights and the ultimate expression of everything that is truly within. By taking away choice and replacing it with a cheap shell, you have stripped away freedom and have saturated us with illusions to numb us to the truth. What truth? The truth that we are all slaves. Slaves to the system, blind, never thinking, never hesitating, just moving, just doing. For we sir, are bound by the banality of Bureaucracy, ridden over by Regimentation, annexed by Administration, mocked by Military Hierarchy and shackled by the dual chains of Routine and Repetition. We, sir, in essence, will never be the same again. And that, sir, is the reason why this sucks.”

Will never be the same again you say?

Why? What’s the big deal? What’s the difference between the then and now?

My dear friend... the difference is Choice.

- The State of Nonsense -

My Last Day on Earth

2008-09-12T02:50:00.007+08:00

I regret to announce that I, Mr Ho Sung Him Paul, will no longer be able to perform the duties required of me as a human. My position as a fully functioning person and a standard member of human society will be revoked as of 13th September, 2008. My humanity will be utterly stripped from me, removed from my presence and stored in a cookie jar for a period of no less than 730 days, starting from the aforementioned date. During this extended period of time, with the loss of my humanity, I will be given the ability and opportunity to execute unspeakable acts of horror that may terrorise farmers and the old man upstairs. Some of these horrible acts include running around in circles, touching trees, cleaning toilets and waking up too early. By the time I am done and my humanity returned, I will no longer be the same Paul Ho you all know.

For you see, before me lies an infinite abyss of doom, a malevolent vortex of evil, a bottomless chasm of wickedness. For so long, many of my kind have stood their ground against this monstrosity and have fought the good fight. But, one by one they have fallen, all around me, my friends, my comrades, my brothers. One by one they’ve gone. I’m the only one left. I’m the last of my kind. The last man standing.

It’s as if we’re all lined up to be executed. And somehow, I’m last in line. I have bore witness to those that have gone before me. One by one they fell, violently sucked into the giant vortex of no return. The wails of abject horror are those that haunt your dreams for weeks after. It all started with Joseph. He was the first to succumb. His screams for mercy could be heard even as the black nothingness of swirling evil consumed the very depths of his soul. The next one to fall victim was Jonathan. Good old Jon, the man who would never give up unless you gave him cash. He was next. He fell alone and on a random day nobody remembers.

The next in line was Stanley. A good friend who would’ve still be standing if it weren’t for the free pretzels they gave. He fell and we watched with despair. After him was Ernest. Ernest, a good stout fellow that has never let us down, till he fell. He fell prematurely too, got sucked in so fast we all didn’t realise what happened till a week after. And with the trauma of Ernest’s early doom, morale was at an all time low. Benjamin couldn’t take it. He fell soon after. Benjamin, if only you were able to hold on you’d still be around today. By now, our numbers were waning, little by little we were being eroded from all sides and our strength was failing with each passing day.

For a while it was good, till the day Kenneth fell. And as Kenneth got sucked into the vortex, he screamed “Mom! Please clean the bed sheets! I wet it again!” and with that, he disappeared. Soon after, Samuel and Nathaniel fell too. They fell together, bringing with them our last hope for salvation. And just like that, I was the only one left. The last of my kind.

And so inevitably, I sense my end is near. It is close, so close now I can feel it breathing down my neck. There is no hope now. I am next. The last one to fall. I stand at the brink of oblivion gazing at the giant vortex responsible for taking the lives of so many I love. I stand and I think to myself, “I wonder if I’ll have enough underwear.”

And although I have stood for so long, struggled and wrestled against the evil politic. I have decided this is the end. I see now, there is no hope, no point in fighting. I do not fear the unknown. I will meet this new challenge head on and I will succeed. I will stand strong and I’ll give them hell. I will never give up and I’ll laugh at the faces of those who doubt me. It’s been wonderful fighting side by side with most of you, and I will not forget the times we have shared. But remember my friends, remember this well, while today it is me, one by one, sooner or later...

We all shall fall.

And with this being my last day on Earth, I’d like to take the opportunity to thank and say goodbye to the people I’ll miss. These are the people that have been with me through thick and thin. They have always been there and have never let me down. Not once. They have made me laugh when I was sad, comforted me when I cried, lifted me up when I fell. So I’d like to dedicate this post to this bunch of wonderful people that have impacted my life so.

Agent Smith

Agent Smith, although you’re such an evil asshole and have tried to take over the World, you’ll always mean a lot to me. Not because you’re evil or that you’re really just a stupid rogue computer program, but rather, I just love the way you talk. Your long monologues have brought much comfort and peace to my life and I will not forget those speeches soon. Reciting what you’ve said always brings me much cheer and I will always thank you for that. Also, I think you have cool sunglasses.

Jim Halpert

Jim, you’re the coolest guy I know. You’re a great role model and you’ve never failed to make me laugh. Your casual attitude and dry humour has inspired me on so many levels. I thank you for the witty replies, the sarcastic overtones and the many pranks on Dwight. These are the things that have brightened my day and brought much joy to my life. But most of all, you have shown me the beauty of removing all the bullshit and just be yourself.

Dwight Schrute

Dwight, although you’re the biggest asshole I know, you’re still just damn funny. I thank you for the many times your strict outlook and severe attitude has caused much mayhem in the office. You have the most unique and unorthodox view on life I have ever seen. And that is what makes you so special. I will never forget your militaristic mannerisms, your reactions to Jim’s pranks, your undying loyalty, and your service to Dunder Mifflin. Long live Dwight.

Gandalf

Gandalf, you hold a big place in my heart and you always will. Your presence has never failed to soothe and comfort me. Your words of wisdom have illuminated my mind like a warm campfire on a cold dark night. You’ve been around for a long time Gandalf and you have always been there. Always been there to see everything through and I will always thank you for that. The best thing you’ve ever said was “for that is not for you to decide, all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.” This will always be with me to the very ends of time.

Frodo Baggins

Frodo, although you can be such a big wuss sometimes, your enduring nature has always inspired me never to give up. You have taught me to hold on to the very end even when everything around you collapses and dies. You have taught me to never give up, to always move forward. I thank you for bearing the pain, the suffering and the torment. I thank you for fighting the good fight and never giving in. From all of us, you have done us proud.

Borat Sagdiyev

Borat, you’re the biggest idiot I know and trust me, I know many idiots. Your shocking mannerisms and hilarious antics have kept me entertained for hours. I mean, just your name “Borat” already cracks me up. I love the way you talk and the way you interact with people. You have taught me to appreciate the little things in life, for by knowing you have nothing, you see you have everything. Plus, I love your national anthem too. All hail Kazakhstan.

Ryan Stiles

Ryan, you are the single greatest improviser of all time. Ok maybe not, but you definitely come close. I thank you for all the times you have cheered me up when I was down. For years I’ve known you and you have never failed to crack me up. I love the way you poke fun at Drew and everyone else but still standing up for Colin. I love your wit and your “resigned to fate” look when you get the really weird character requirements. I thank you for all those years of laughter.

Colin Mochrie

Colin, you too are the single greatest improviser of all time. Ok maybe not, but you definitely come close. I love your average Joe style of comedy. You have shown me that even among greatness, you are still one of us. You have taught me the meaning of humility, I don’t know exactly how, but you have. You have taught me to accept myself for who I am and I will always thank you for that. Also, I love all the bald jokes that they throw at you and your reactions are just priceless.

Tyler Durden

Tyler, you are the biggest maverick I know and an inspiration to my life. And although you really went quite crazy in the end, your legacy will always remind me that all freedom is never free. Freedom has a cost and many times that cost is monumental. I love the way you see things, the way you deal with situations and your ability to let that which does not matter, truly slide. You have taught me both the value of Anarchy and the evils of corruption. I also love the way you narrate, it brings a sense of warmth and comfort that I will never forget.

V

V, like Agent Smith, you’ve been a huge inspiration. I absolutely love the way you talk and your speeches has brought much food for my brain. You, too, have taught me the meaning of true freedom and the need for a saviour in this messed up World. You have inspired me never to give in and to always hold on, for one day it will soon be over and when the rain falls, it will bring forth tears of joy as the soothing pitter-patter of raindrops plaster your face with the loving touch of cold release.

If you’re wondering why there’s not a single real person on my list, there’s a reason for that. Why I didn’t write goodbyes for real people is because I’ve always thought that’s too politically dangerous. But after giving it a bit of thought, I realise that it is possible to do it without upsetting those that aren’t mentioned. And so, here are the real people in my life I really want to thank.

Miss Vakencroft

You’ve been a really big blessing in my life. I thank you for always lending a listening ear and being such a great support in both good times and bad. I thank you for all the laughs, the good times and even the bad, because that’s where growth happens. It’s been really great knowing you all these years. And seeing that you’re currently working on a huge project right now, I’d like to wish you all the best and leave you this: “Never give up. Ever.”

Mr Makakawaki

You never fail to make me laugh. Not because you’re deliberately funny, but the way you go about doing things, the way you act and react and your outlook in life just cracks me up. The thing I most appreciate about you is your sense of justice, your innocence and this sense of purity that you have. You are by far the most pure guy I’ve ever seen. I thank you for your willingness to listen. It’s been really great knowing you all these years and I will always treasure all the times we’ve shared. From camps to dinners and outings, time has flown by, things will never happen again but the memories will live on forever.

Miss Nalestrom

I love talking to you. You’re one of the few who still manages to intrigue me even after all this while. I thank you for all the good chats, the encouragements and the nonsense. I love your wit, the way you laugh and your “unique” sense of humour. I appreciate your deep seated personality, your complexity and the way you see things. I have learnt much from you. And although you may switch off from time to time, I know deep down you’re always there. You mean much more to me than you will ever know. So with that, I leave you this: “For this, too, shall pass.”

Mr Staplepoon

You’ve been a really good friend all these years and I will forever be thankful for that. I appreciate the different views on issues you bring and your cynical outlook on the media and the hidden systems that truly run the World. I thank you for all your prayers and support all these years. I also thank you for the debates and random discussions we’ve had. Truly, for I have enjoyed them all. The days of the cruise will always be with me and I thank you for all the fun times we’ve shared.

Mr Jobberstone

Although I can’t stand you some times and you can’t stand me too, deep down we know it’s the very differences that makes it funny and totally worth bearing. I’ve known you for many years and I’ll always appreciate all the times we’ve shared together. From camp, to dinners, to meetings, to sessions and to all the outings. I appreciate your hilarious sense of budget, your dreary mannerisms and your obsession with planning. I have learnt much from you. I thank you for the advice, the talks and the debates. But most of all, I thank you for always enduring me when I’m difficult and never giving up.

Miss Mickenwire

You’ve been such a good friend all these years and although bad things do happen to good people, you’ve always been there. I really appreciate your ability to be serious and funny at the same time and you’re the only person I know who has mastered this art. You have been a blessing in my life and I thank you for all the times you’ve endured my crap and for the times you threw it right back. I thank you for making me laugh when I cry and cry when I am talking nonsense. You get it. You’re probably the only one that will.

Mr Geckolane

You have always been a great friend to me even though you come from a different World. And that is what I respect most about you, the ability to let go of self and reach to the poor, the alien, the oppressed and the weak. I thank you for all your prayers and undying support, they mean a lot to me. I thank you for sacrificing so much time for us. I thank you for all your hard work and all the effort you have put in for us. I really appreciate all the late night talks, the jokes and the advice. You, sir, are a heck of a leader.

Miss Marollo

Although I’ve only known you for a while, it seems like I’ve known you for a very long time. Your thinking style and views in life are very different from most girls I know and that’s what I find interesting. I love talking to you because you’re one of the few females I know who can hold a decent intellectual conversation without the standard blank expression I usually get. I realise you see many things the same way I do and that’s also what makes conversing with you so fun. I also love your sense of humour and your stable personality. Thanks for all the laughter, the discussions and for brightening up my life.

Mr Jossleafy

I’ve known you ever since I can remember, all the way at the beginning when Warcraft 2 first came out and Red Alert birthed the modern warfare RTS industry. It was you who first introduced to the World of gaming and although people out there will say that’s a bad thing, I still say thank you. I appreciate your patience and your steadfast attitude towards everything. You’re the one person I know who will still be standing even after a nuclear explosion just went off at the back. I thank you for the LOTR times, the gaming sessions and the geek talk.

Miss Rawkinlore

Although we’re not really that close, there will always be a certain point of unspoken understanding between us. The thing I most appreciate about you is your complex personality and the depth of character that you possess. Your unpredictable nature is what makes it all interesting too, talking to you is never dull and I will always appreciate that. I thank you for the small encouragements you’ve given me when I was down and for all the times we’ve shared together.

Mr Erfalong

You’re a person that doesn’t say or do much, but I know that deep down you are there and you care. I really appreciate all the times you’ve sacrificed your personal time to be with us. I love your unique outlook in life and I find it a wonder that you are able to model your behaviour after a minor ideology. It’s pretty interesting to watch. I love talking to you because you bring up many different insights that I would never have thought of and your deadpan, dry sense of humour just cracks me up.

Miss Lekington

You’re one of the sweetest girls I know and really, you’ve been a great blessing. I thank you for the good chats, the weird jokes and all the little things you’ve done for me. What I appreciate most about you is your innate desire to give and it is this nature that has touched the lives of many around you, not just me. I thank you for all your encouragements, your prayers and your support.

And with that, I leave this World behind and face a new beginning, a new chapter and a new life. Like a sailor on a new ship to an unknown destination with an unknown crew, what mysteries shall we uncover, what adventures shall we have, what monsters shall we find. No one knows.

Optimism: You’ll be back before you know it! Don’t worry!

Pessimism: NOOOOO! We’re all going to die! Who’s gonna write us now?!

Cynicism: Bah! What’s the big deal anyway. Good riddance I say.

Environmentalism: Have fun touching the trees my friend! Nature isn’t so bad, you’ll see!

Capitalism: Damn. One more soldier for upkeep. One more person on welfare. Irritating.

Democracy: Dude, be nice. At least he's contributing to society.

Communism: That’s right. About time you started contributing instead of living for yourself all the time you selfish bastard.

Nihilism: Nothing’s going to change because nothing matters. You’re going to die anyway, why not now...

Religion: God will be with you my friend. He is always there.

Science: Bah! Don’t listen to that crap. It’s because of me you get such wonderful facilities in the first place so you owe me one buddy.

The Arts: Heeheehee! Have fun painting the walls with the blood of those you’ve killed! Heeheehee!

Sadism: *Drools* I heard the word blood... *Drools*

Pacifism: Sigh... not another one going into a world of conflict...

Activism: Whatever you do, just follow the instructions and you’ll be fine!

The Law: THE CONTRACT STATES ITS JUST FOR TWO YEARS, SO JUST TOUGH IT OUT AND DON’T BREAK ME OR I WILL PUT YOUR ASS IN A DETENTION BARRACKS FOREVER.

Post Modernism: “Society is part of the failure of consciousness,” says Foucault; however, according to Hanfkopf, it is not so much society that is part of the failure of consciousness, but rather the stasis, and eventually the collapse, of society. Marx’s essay on capitalist narrative states that narrativity is capable of significance, but only if consciousness is interchangeable with art; if that is not the case, the law is intrinsically meaningless. In a sense, in Natural Born Killers, Stone affirms subtextual discourse; in Heaven and Earth he analyses neotextual constructivism.

By the way, for those of you who are wondering if this blog is closing I can assure it is not. I will continue to write even with the limited time I will be given. But needless to say, don't expect any content for at least 3 weeks from now.

So, wish me luck as I fade into non-existence and disappear into the horizon. And as I said earlier, while today it is me, remember my friend, one by one, sooner or later... We all shall fall.

I am Next.

Goodbye World.

- The State of Nonsense -

This Too Shall Pass

2008-09-07T01:32:00.003+08:00

Just for You.

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

by Helen Steiner Rice

- The State of Nonsense -

The Secret Diary of Reverend Random

2008-09-05T18:04:00.008+08:00

Dear Diary,

I was looking out the window yesterday when a blue bird told me the polar ice caps were melting. And the polar ice caps said unto the man in the armchair: “Thou art like Ghandi dressed in a pink floral dress”. And the man in the armchair gave a large white toothy grin and replied “These are my prostate examination results, which I am well pleased.” The man in the armchair was happy with his prostate examination results because this meant free lime coke for everyone in third grade, including that snivelling grandma in the corner that nobody likes.

I learnt that lime coke was not made out of lime but made out of the bark of the jujube tree and jujube trees are so rare they make diamonds piss and moan. But jujube trees have the ability to fly at night so all you have to do is get the man in the armchair to say “Behold this! For it is my fist!” and the jujube tree will stop in shock and cry because it doesn’t have fists.

But what about all the bald men? Bald men have fists too you know! So it’s very simple, all you have to do is get a bunch of bald men to form a hippie drum circle and have them sing along to “Great is thy Faithfulness upon thy PSP”. And we’ll all fall down with utter awe at the shine on their heads because Ra the Egyptian sun god isn’t pleased with the photosynthesis going on within the bark of the jujube tree which incidentally is used to make lime coke.

Ra the Egyptian sun god doesn’t like the man in the armchair because when Ra went to the toilet, the man in the armchair sat in his armchair. And when Ra came out he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to his Birkenstocks, but he didn’t notice. So the man in the armchair said “the wheels of the bus go round and round” and Ra replied “I’m Batman.” And they all giggled with glee because Miss Potterson came back late last night and missed the latest episode of Ugly Betty.

So, the toilet paper on Ra’s Birkenstocks flew away in a maroon balloon with a baboon in a cocoon. The baboon’s name was Wu Gong Leong because that is a good name for a dopey looking primate with a red ass. So Wu Gong Leong the baboon sat with the piece of toilet paper and suddenly said in a shrill voice “E.T. got home!”

Unfortunately, the CIA heard it, got paranoid and launched an air strike on Tatooine, killing Anakin’s mother. Anakin was very sad because of this and refused to become a jedi, so he got together with Eric Cartman, Spiderman and the man in the armchair to form “The Anti-Society Society” or “The ASS” for short. Till this day The ASS is doing very well with Anakin leading the helm and Spiderman as a car park attendant. In fact, I just met with the man in the armchair and he told me that “with great quantities of Char Siew Bao one must eat more”.

These words of wisdom were so filled with meaning and hope that three thousand Tibetan monks decided to break their vegetarian vow and proceeded to their nearest 7-11 to buy a bunch of Char Siew Baos to eat. Ra was very sad that he didn’t get any Char Siew Baos, so he rained candyfloss on half the planet because he’s such a wuss. The diabetics complained to Oprah Winfrey about too much sugar in the candyfloss and Oprah said “Doth sway my heart.” which meant “I am a rich black woman so why should I care. Get off my couch.” And the diabetics all broke down and committed suicide leaving a huge mess on Microsoft’s office floor. So Bill Gates decided to ban all diabetics from using Windows but he was too stupid to realise that they could use Doors instead.

And so, the moral of the story is that the tooth fairy will not give you a dollar if you set the karang guni man’s hair on fire.

Yours Sincerely,
Rev. Random

- The State of Nonsense -

I Once Fell in a Well

2008-09-01T14:21:00.005+08:00

This post is dedicated to those going through a hard time. And yes... I do mean You.

I once fell in a well. Oh it was the most terrible thing. The darkness enveloped me, drowning in the cold dank water I couldn’t breathe it was hopeless. In my struggles and wretchedness I clawed at the sides gripping the sharp rocks, cutting and bruising my fingers, hoping to climb out. Each time I grabbed the more I slipped and sank, in every try my strength failed and left me bit by bit. Overcome with exhaustion I felt nothing but despair and fear. The fear, it gripped me and wouldn’t let go. I was going to die. I knew it was over.

In the silence no one could hear me. I screamed and screamed for help. Oh, for someone to save me, to save me from the grave. I was not ready to die. I cried and cried with my last breath for someone, for another chance. I did not want to die.

Someone heard me. His name was Confucius. I could see him peering over. He told me if you get out, don’t fall in again. I cried “Save Me!” and he looked down and said don’t fall in again the next time and you will be safe. I cried out “Save Me!” and he walked away. I was alone.

In the darkness I heard another voice. It was Buddha. He told me not to struggle, to drown with happiness. To desire to live is meaningless, for desire is the cause of suffering. You are suffering because of your desire to live. Do not desire and give in. You will be free. I cried “Save Me! Please save me! I don’t want to die!” But he was gone.

I cried out with all my remaining strength, “Someone please save me!” A band of people soon gathered. Among them were great men, great men of thought. Nietzsche, Kant, Kierkegaard, Hume, Hegel, Camus, Sartre and many others stood in a ring. They stared at me with dead soulless eyes, devoid of hope. I thought they would save me. Mockingly, they cried back “Save Yourself! You can do anything if you believe! You fell down here, you can get out. There is no one to save you but you. There is no God that hears. God does not care. There is no God. God is dead. You are alone but you can do it. Save yourself!”

Strengthened with new resolve I gripped the edges tightly, willing myself from fear, clawing and fighting refusing to give in. But the more I tried, the more I fell.

I was slowly going, sinking, sinking to the depths. But there was another figure. He too, peered over. His name was Muhammad. He told me you have to obey Allah. He told me his laws. He told me I did not obey Allah’s laws. He told me you’re in a well because it is destined that you fall. He told me I was lost because it was Allah’s will. Everything is predestined and Allah will save who he chooses to save. You have failed because you cannot climb out. You have to work to be free and you fell. I listened with despair, thinking I was never good enough and will surely perish.

Moses and Elijah looked down. They were filled with sadness when they saw me struggling, but they could not do anything. They too, told me I have failed God. I did not obey his law. I am here because I broke the covenant and the law could not save me. The law is powerless to save. They could not save. I wept and wept, wishing for a second chance.

I became angry that no one would help. No one truly cared. No one.

And then I heard “Why not become God? God can do anything and you can be God. Just let go. The well is not the end. You will come back for the wheels of life and death is a curse but you can be free and be one with us.”

“Who spoke?” I looked around with fear.

Brahman, Vishnu and Shiva replied in one voice. “We did.”

“How do I this!? How do I escape!?” I cried back, hoping against hope this would be true.

“You cannot escape. But empty your mind, be one with the universe for we are all God. Do good and you will be complete. You can be one with us. Be one with the universe. Be one, for we are all God.”

I was filled again with anguish for I could not do that which they asked. I couldn’t do it. “Don’t you understand!? I don’t want to be God! I just want to get out of here! Help me please! I just want to get out!” I pleaded and pleaded for them to save. But they could not.

Soon, I could struggle no more. I heard the Devil shout with glee as the evils from hell pulled me under. Their clammy hands pulled, grabbed and tore at my crying soul, lost in the blackness. Satan said “Serve Me and I will reward you! I will give you this well and everything in the World. But denounce God and worship me!” I cried out “I just want to get out!” He laughed and said “You cannot get out. But I will make you master of the well. The well will be a place of paradise! Serve Me!”

I cried back “But I hate this well! I would never want this! Please just get me out! Get me out and I will serve you!” There was no reply and dread overcame me. Satan knew that even he, with all the splendour of his world, could not save. He could only kill, steal and destroy. And I knew then it was all in vain. It was hopeless. There was no one who could save. The well is the end. And I would die.

As the demons of hell pulled me under the murky depths, I resigned to fate, giving up all hope that I had.

And it was then, in the midst of utter misery and despair, I saw a man.

His name was Jesus. He looked at me from above and with tears in his eyes, he climbed down. He climbed down the well to the horrible place where I was. As he climbed, he got cut and bruised. Many times his descent was fraught with difficulty for the well was deep, dark and treacherous. Many times his blood flowed from the cruel cuts the rocks inflicted upon his hands.

But he never gave up.

He climbed down. He climbed down and reached out his hand. He never said a word. He reached out his hand and I grabbed it.

He pulled me towards him and said “I Love You. I will get you out of here.” And with me in his arms, he carried me out. He carried me out of the well.

He saved me when no one else would.

Now I know the Power of the Gospel, the love of Jesus Christ and his great love for each one of us. That he would die for us. That he would give everything and do anything, even dying and dying on a cross. All for you, so you would be saved. For everyone else said “Do this and that. Work and you shall live. Save yourself. Let Go. It is hopeless.” But only Jesus came down. He came down to that dark, dank well of hopelessness and evil. And he carried me out in his arms.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. - Psalm 40:2

- The State of Nonsense -

The Isle of Isms (Episode 5)

2008-08-29T13:50:00.007+08:00

Previously, on the Isle of Isms, Nazism is still tied up and unconcious while Activism and Democracy gets things going by deciding to hold a vote on what should be done about Nazism. The results were 9 for Nazism's execution and 7 for Nazism's acquittal. Aside from some minor annoyances from Post Modernism, they decide to consult The Law for a trial. Fortunately, The Law just so happened to be walking by.

The Law: PESSIMISM! YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR INSULT!

Pessimism: AAAHHHH! NOOOO! I’m going to jail! I’m going to die alone and unloved... WAAAAHHH!

The Law: YOU AREN’T GOING TO JAIL YOU MORON. I SAID PAY. PAY IS LEGALLY DEFINED AS TO COMPENSATE FOR OR TO FORFEIT IN EXPIATION OR RETRIBUTION. PAY, IN THIS LEGAL SENSE, IS RESTRICTED TO MONETARY TERMS.

Pessimism: WAAAAHHH! I’m going to lose all my money! I’ll be bankrupt! WAAAAHHH!

Sadism: Arrrggghh! If you don’t stop whining soon I’m going to rip your tongue out, you cry baby bastard.

Realism: Erm. Dude. That’s not exactly the kinda thing you wanna say in front of The Law.

Sadism: Oh. Right.

Religion: Your penchant for violence is frankly disturbing Sadism. You need to let go of your hate and be one with Buddha/Jesus/Krishna or (insert favourite deity here).

Science: Heh. Like that’s ever going to help...

Religion: Shut up Science. You don’t know a thing about inner peace.

Science: Oh yes I do. It’s called Prozac.

Environmentalism: Prozac?? Do you know how many freshwater mussels have perished because of your wanton release of that drug?? The precious bivalves are at stake people and all you care about is your stupid meaning to life questions.

Pacifism: Stop arguing! It disturbs me! *sulks*

Activism: He has a point folks. Since The Law has so nicely chanced upon our midst, let’s bring the case of Nazism up to him and see what he says.

The Law: NAZISM? I THOUGHT WE SETTLED THAT CASE BACK IN 1946? DOES NUREMBERG RING A BELL?

Optimism: Yes, you’re right! But Nazism was revived and rallied by Communism when he escaped from History! See? Even evil people have a chance to wreck havoc a second time. There’s always hope!

Capitalism: Yeah and those bastards decided to wreck a middle class restaurant, murder a useful contributing member to society and jack up repair bills.

Cynicism: Erm... who cares about the damage seriously?? Did you forget we almost friggin got killed??

Capitalism: Oh yeah. That too.

The Law: ACKNOWLEDGED. THAT WARRANTS A DECENT TRIAL AT LEAST. BUT YOU HAVE TO BRING NAZISM TO MY OFFICE AND FOLLOW THE NECESSARY LEGAL PROCEDURES IN PLACE.

Cynicism: Dude. I have to ask. Why are you always speaking in caps? Is it so you can feel better about yourself?

The Law: WHAT?? NO! I SPEAK IN CAPS BECAUSE... IT IS IN CONTRACTUAL TANDEM WITH THE LEGAL TERMS AND CONDITIONS FOR WHICH MY CHARACTER AND PERSONALITY UPHOLDS IN UTMOST MUTUAL AGREEMENT TO AFOREMENTIONED LEGAL DISCUSSIONS WITH THE PERCIEVED AND CURRENT AUTHOR OF THE COPYRIGHT PROTECTED “ISLE OF ISMS” SERIES.

Cynicism: Wow. Just forget I asked.

Activism: Aww man. We have to follow the legal procedures? That’s such a hassle. Can’t we just electrocute him right now and save us all the stupid trouble... I mean seeing Science already has the chair and all...

Sadism: YES YES! I would absolutely love that... *drools*

Mathematics: You know guys... I can’t help but analyse... we’ve all been so principally focused on subtracting life from Nazism. But what about The Arts? She died and nobody gives a pi...

Nihilism: Death... is all there is... Death... is what you will become...

Religion: Wait, Mathematics, I thought YOU didn’t like The Arts? You said she gave you terrible headaches right? Why the sudden concern? Did some god just touch your heart or something...

Mathematics: Well... yeah... I know it doesn’t precisely match my point of symmetry... but... I must admit I admired her sense of... proportion.

Science: Why you cheeky fellow, you’ve been producing and harbouring oxytocin and vasopressin whenever you’re around The Arts haven’t you?

Mathematics: Yeah... and now she’s gone... I think I’m going through an angle of depression...

Science: Well! That’s a new one... Mathematics together with The Arts... Wouldn’t Da Vinci be pleased.

Religion: Stupid Da Vinci. I hate that guy.

Optimism: Don’t worry Mathematics! I’m sure there’s a way we can bring The Arts back!

Cynicism: Such a smartass. What part of “dead” don’t you get, moron?

Optimism: Well... I do have a few friends... you know... who...

Religion: Can speak to the dead?? Dude! If this were the Dark Ages you realise you’d be burning on a stake now right?

Realism: Yes. True. But, in reality, we aren’t. So...

Optimism: Aww... I was only trying to help... I mean... there’s ALWAYS hope.

Activism: Alright alright! One thing at a time! How about we finish off Nazism and then find a way to bring The Arts back?

Democracy: Well, shall we take a vote again?

- The State of Nonsense -

Post Modernism goes to Sesame Street

2008-08-27T13:16:00.006+08:00

I've decided to take a short break from writing the Isle of Isms series and instead concentrate on some solo pieces for one of my favourite characters: "Post Modernism". For those who have been following the Isle of Isms series, you'll see that "Post Modernism" is a rather disconnected character that is around but never truly there. He says a lot but never says anything. A random, meaningless and undefinable person. And all the other isms find him rather annoying because of his lack of sense and coherent meaning. Well, seeing as he is such an interesting and unique character, I thought I'd develop him further by giving him his own personal adventures.

Big Bird: Hello kids! Today we’ve got a visitor in Sesame Street! Give a nice big hello to Mister Post Modernism!

A bunch of kids: HELLO MISTER POST MODERNISM!

Post Modernism: Bataille suggests the use of the postcultural paradigm of narrative to attack the status quo.

Big Bird: Wow. That’s a bunch of big words you got there Mister Post Modernism. Perhaps you could teach us a word or two? Would you like that kids?

A bunch of kids: YAY! Come on Mister Post Modernism teach us some words!

Post Modernism: The main theme of Geoffrey’s model of the postcultural paradigm of narrative is the difference between society and sexual identity. Several narratives concerning a capitalist reality may be revealed.

Big Bird: Woah woah slow down there Mister Post Modernism and you’re not supposed to mention the word sex on Sesame Street!

A bunch of kids: Ooohhh naughty Mister Post Modernism said the word sex!

Big Bird: Ok kids, you’re not supposed to say the word sex alright? This is a children’s show!

A bunch of kids: Ok Big Bird!

Oscar the Grouch: What’s all that racket! I’m trying to sleep here!

Post Modernism: In the works of Stone, a predominant concept is the concept of preconceptualist art. Thus, the example of subdialectic nihilism intrinsic to Stone’s Platoon emerges again in Natural Born Killers, although in a more mythopoetical sense. Foucault suggests the use of Sontagist camp to challenge the status quo.

Oscar the Grouch: HEY YOU! Yes, you. SHUT UP!

Big Bird: Aww Oscar don’t be so mean... he’s new and his name is Mister Post Modernism!

Oscar the Grouch: Bah! I don’t care what his name is. He can’t shut his trap.

Post Modernism: It could be said that Baudrillard’s model of constructivist neocapitalist theory suggests that sexuality, perhaps surprisingly, has significance, but only if truth is distinct from culture; if that is not the case, the media is used in the service of capitalism. If semiotic prestructuralist theory holds, the works of Stone are empowering.

Oscar the Grouch: Bah! See what I mean? Can’t a grouch get some decent shuteye for goodness sake...

Big Bird: Yeah... he’s a little weird. But I kinda like Mister Post Modernism... don’t you kids?

A bunch of kids: Yes! We love Mister Post Modernism!

Post Modernism: “Sexual identity is fundamentally unattainable,” says Foucault; however, according to von Ludwig, it is not so much sexual identity that is fundamentally unattainable, but rather the rubicon, and eventually the paradigm, of sexual identity.

A bunch of kids: Oh no! Naughty Mister Post Modernism said sex again! Heeheehee!

Big Bird: Oh dear Mister Post Modernism... we’re really really not supposed to say the “s” word on Sesame Street!

Post Modernism: Society is fundamentally used in the service of sexism,” says Sontag. However, neocapitalist discourse states that culture is used to entrench class divisions, given that truth is distinct from sexuality.

Producer: Alright. Dude. We’ve told you, this is a children’s show. If you can’t adhere to the rules then we’re putting you off air.

Post Modernism: The primary theme of Long’s critique of Debordist situation is the common ground between culture and sexual identity. “Sexual identity is meaningless,” says Lyotard.

Producer: Ok I’ve had it. Call security. Get him out of here.

*Two security personnel drag Post Modernism off the set*

Post Modernism: If Debordist situation holds, we have to choose between nationalism and dialectic subconstructivist theory. It could be said that Foucault uses the term ‘Debordist situation’ to denote the difference between language and class.

Big Bird: Alright kids! Say goodbye to Mister Post Modernism as he is dragged away for violating the minds of our future generations!

A bunch of kids: GOODBYE MISTER POST MODERNISM!

Post Modernism: “Class is used in the service of class divisions,” says Debord; however, according to Hubbard, it is not so much class that is used in the service of class divisions, but rather the failure of class. If neocapitalist discourse holds, the works of Joyce are not postmodern. Therefore, a number of theories concerning the role of the participant as artist exist. La Tournier suggests that we have to choose between deconstructive nationalism and precultural deappropriation. However, Marx promotes the use of prematerialist Marxism to attack archaic perceptions of sexuality.

Producer: Seriously dude. Please shut that piehole of yours before I shove the Snuffleupagus costume up your ass.

Post Modernism: “Class is part of the fatal flaw of consciousness,” says Derrida; however, according to Dahmus , it is not so much class that is part of the fatal flaw of consciousness, but rather the absurdity, and some would say the economy, of class. The characteristic theme of the works of Spelling is the absurdity of postcultural sexuality. In a sense, the subject is interpolated into a that includes art as a totality. The primary theme of Brophy’s critique of cultural discourse is a self-justifying reality. Lacan uses the term ‘Lyotardist narrative’ to denote the stasis, and some would say the genre, of deconstructivist class. It could be said that the main theme of the works of Fellini is the role of the poet as participant. If one examines neocultural theory, one is faced with a choice: either reject Lyotardist narrative or conclude that sexuality is intrinsically a legal fiction, but only if the premise of expressionism is invalid; otherwise, culture may be used to entrench sexism. Cultural discourse holds that the State is responsible for hierarchy, given that language is equal to narrativity. However, several discourses concerning the economy, and eventually the genre, of capitalist culture may be discovered. “Class is part of the paradigm of truth,” says Debord; however, according to Dahmus, it is not so much class that is part of the paradigm of truth, but rather the absurdity, and some would say the economy, of class. Sartre uses the term ‘the subconceptual paradigm of discourse’ to denote the common ground between sexual identity and society. It could be said that Reicher implies that we have to choose between expressionism and Lacanist obscurity.

Producer: Sigh... I hate my job.

- The State of Nonsense -

How to Confuse an Idiot

2008-08-25T14:13:00.010+08:00

To see how to confuse an idiot in 3 simple steps, click here.

If the above link doesn't work or is somehow unavailable then try clicking here.

Or if you're not in a particular mood for reading, then watch this video instead:

- The State of Nonsense -

The Olympics is getting Boring

2008-08-23T12:43:00.007+08:00

The Olympics is getting boring. I mean it’s the same old shit every time. Bunch of people running, wrestling, jumping, throwing some damn stick... yawn. I think it’s time we introduce some brand new sports. I mean, it’s all really about the entertainment value anyway, seriously, who cares about that Gold when you can have a good laugh. People want to be shocked. They want to be glued to the edge of their seats. They don’t want to watch some sap magnet in tights do some gay flips on a mat.

So, without further ado, here are some Olympic Sports recommendations I think would be a good addition to the current line up.

1) Crotch Kicking

Let’s face it, there’s nothing funnier than watching a guy get kicked in the gonads. The resultant squeal and the doubling up on the floor writhing in pain bit is just so fascinating. So, what better way to experience this than by having an Olympic Sport devoted to it? The rules are pretty simple. There will be 2 teams, one on each side, obviously only males will get to participate. Each team will be limited to 8 players and are required to wear heavy shoes, similar to those worn by those in construction. Basically, once the whistle is blown, the teams must kick the crotches of those in the opposing team. Once a player doubles over and falls down, that player is eliminated. If a player squeals or uses his hands to grab his crotch then bonus points are won. Continue the kicking until all the players on one side are gone. Note that no crotch guards or any form of protection to that area is allowed.

2) Alligator Throwing

You know how they randomly throw some stick or metal ball in the current Olympics? Frankly, I find it rather boring. If you’re going to throw something, why not throw something more worthwhile? Like a friggin alligator. Yeah, that’ll be an excellent idea. I hate alligators, so let’s make them suffer. I mean it’ll definitely make for great entertainment. So it’s pretty much similar to the normal throwing rules except you’re now throwing an adult sized Alligator instead of a boring old stick. The athletes will have to grab the alligator by its tail and assuming they survive that, will have to whirl the creature around and around and release it when enough momentum is gathered. Note the alligator would’ve not been fed for 3 days so he’ll be pretty hungry. All the more fun for the athlete to see if he/she can hold it down. And if the alligator manages to eat the athlete then it’s an instant Gold medal for the Animal Kingdom.

3) A Staring Contest

The rules of this are simple. Just have two guys sit facing each other and let them stare into the eyes of the other. The first person to laugh or visibly move a large portion of their face is eliminated. Since a staring contest isn’t the most exciting thing on earth, there will be another special rule for the participants. Mainly, each person competing must be either very good looking or very ugly. No average joes and plain janes allowed. Why you say? So that when the cameras do close ups during the contests the audience will either be wowed by their good looks or roll on the floor laughing at the ugly ones. Remember the priority here are the people watching, the sponsorships and the money. If the audience isn’t entertained then screw the sport.

4) Crap TV Marathon

This sport will take guts, a lot of guts, but the glory is equally tremendous. First of all, the athletes will have to sign a life and death release form and agree that whatever happens, happens at their own expense. The marathon is simple but potentially brutal. Forget everything you knew about arduous trainings, exhausting exercises and long suffering races. This tops them all. What we’ll do is we’ll place all the athletes in front of a huge plasma TV screen and we’ll play the TV show High School Musical followed by 3 episodes of Teletubbies and back to High School Musical again. This pattern will continue indefinitely until there is only one athlete left. The athletes must look and watch the show at all times and are not allowed to leave. If they drop out, die, faint or go insane then they are eliminated. The last sane athlete left watching gets the Gold medal. Only for those with very strong constitutions.

5) The Biggest Asshole

This sport is going to be the most kickass one out of all my suggestions. When people watch the Olympics what do they look out for? I mean other than cheering their own country on, the number one thing most people want to see is screw ups. Let’s face it, this is the very reason why Reality TV is so popular, we want to see people trip, screw up, fall, fight and make a fool out of themselves. So this next sport will be dedicated to fulfilling this viewer desire. This sport will last a full 7 days. And within these 7 days, all participating athletes will have to screw up as many other Olympic sports as they can. A screw up includes denying other players their Gold, pranking referees, rigging the games, spoiling equipment, sabotaging facilities, disrupting the events etc. Some examples would be say urinating in the Water Polo swimming pool, replacing the shot puts with live grenades, putting trip wires on the 100m dashes and the list goes on. The key here is to use your imagination. Extra points will be rewarded for creative disruption and the athlete with the most number of screw up points wins “The Biggest Asshole” Gold medal.

Seriously, I think these suggestions won’t only just work, they’ll be so groundbreaking the media will probably make three times as much money as their making now. And no you don’t need to thank me, because you see, Sports has contributed so much to society already! I mean, think of all the huge masses of useful jocks that Sports has churned out for us! Without them, our society wouldn’t have anymore supermarket cashiers, concrete mixers and janitors and that’s scary. As so, I think it’s time for me to give what little I can back to Sports and I hope that I’ve done my part with these relevant and revolutionary suggestions. Thank You.

- The State of Nonsense -

The Isle of Isms (Episode 4)

2008-08-21T13:32:00.007+08:00

Previously, on the Isle of Isms, Nazism’s violent spree was successfully brought down by Democracy and Activism. The rest are now discussing what to do with him. Sadism seems to think sentencing him to death by electric chair would be appropriate, much to the dismay of Pacifism and Environmentalism, with the latter arguing that it’s a waste of energy.

Activism: Ok seriously people, let’s get down to business here.

Democracy: Well, since there’s so much debate over whether we should electrocute Nazism, let’s have a show of votes.

Fascism: Screw you and your voting. I’m not taking part in this crap. I’m off.

Socialism: Yeah, me too.

Marxism: Wait up, I’m coming too.

*Fascism, Marxism and Socialism storms off*

Communism: Arrrgghh! Damn you Capitalism and Democracy! You haven’t seen the last of us yet! We’ll be back! Hey guys wait up...

*Communism runs off after them*

Totalitarianism: As much as I’d like to storm off too, I think I’ll stay and watch what happens. I need to report everything to Big Brother.

Capitalism: Meh... Whatever.

Democracy: Sigh. Since we’ve finally gotten rid of them, let’s have a show of votes here. Who thinks Nazism should be spared?

*Pacifism, Utopianism, Environmentalism, Realism, Optimism, Democracy and Religion raises up their hands*

Democracy: Ok... that’s 7 votes. And the rest? Who wants Nazism to be electrocuted to death?

*Sadism, Totalitarianism, Science, Capitalism, Nihilism, Pessimism, Cynicism, Activism and Mathematics raises up their hands*

Democracy: Wow that’s 9 votes to 7... sigh... who hasn’t voted yet?

Realism: Dude, it doesn’t matter. It’s kinda obvious the majority wants Nazism’s ass fried.

Democracy: Yes, I know, but every vote counts! Your vote is as important as anyone else’s!

Cynicism: Bah! Yeah right... that’s what they always tell you and in the end it’s all rigged up anyway.

Mathematics: I’m 99.99999% sure Post Modernism hasn’t voted.

Post Modernism: The main theme of the works of Spelling is the absurdity, and eventually the dialectic, of preconstructive sexual identity. Bataille uses the term ‘Sartreist absurdity’ to denote the role of the writer as artist. However, Baudrillard suggests the use of textual libertarianism to read and modify narrativity.

Democracy: Erm... Post Modernism? Would you like to cast your vote?

Post Modernism: The primary theme of Cameron’s critique of dialectic socialism is the role of the reader as observer. Prinn holds that we have to choose between textual feminism and the subcapitalist paradigm of discourse. Therefore, several theories concerning a mythopoetical paradox exist.

Democracy: ... ...

Mathematics: Anyone got an aspirin? I really can’t take it anymore...

Sadism: Look here you Post Modernism bastard, if you don’t start speaking sense soon I’m gonna go in there and shove a world of pain up your ass. And believe me, I’ll be laughing all the way.

Post Modernism: ... ...

Sadism: That’s better-

Post Modernism: The characteristic theme of McElwaine’s critique of dialectic socialism is the role of the writer as participant. Debord suggests the use of Batailleist `powerful communication’ to modify and read society. It could be said that Debord uses the term ‘textual libertarianism’ to denote the difference between class and society. If one examines Sartreist absurdity, one is faced with a choice: either reject neocultural textual theory or conclude that expression comes from the collective unconscious. The primary theme of the works of Pynchon is not, in fact, construction, but postconstruction. But in V, Pynchon denies dialectic socialism; in Vineland he examines the submaterialist paradigm of consensus. Sartreist absurdity states that art is capable of significance, given that the premise of textual libertarianism is invalid. Thus, Bataille uses the term ‘textual discourse’ to denote the role of the poet as reader.

Sadism: Why you mother$%#&%@#$@ son of a #%@%^$%@#%@# come here!

*Sadism lunges at Post Modernism*

Pacifism: Wait wait! Don’t! Look it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t vote alright! *Holds Sadism back*

Democracy: Fine fine. We’ll forget about Post Modernism’s vote. Annoying retard.

Post Modernism: The characteristic theme of Parry’s analysis of dialectic socialism is the common ground between sexual identity and society. Therefore, la Fournier implies that we have to choose between Sartreist absurdity and neostructural Marxism.

Realism: Sighhh...

Activism: Alright! So I guess we’ll be having Nazism electrocuted then! We’ll need a trial first though.

Nihilism: Justice is meaningless... there can be no true justice...

Optimism: Aww c’mon buddy, it’s not all that bad. The Law’s a pretty fair guy.

Pessimism: But what if The Law won’t listen to us? What if Nazism gets to live and later escapes and murders us one by one in our sleep! AAAAHHH!

The Law: WHO DARES QUESTION MY JUDGEMENTS!?

Pessimism: AAAAHHHH! The Law is here! We’re all going to die! AAAAHHH!

Realism: Actually, it’s just you buddy.

*TO BE CONTINUED*

- The State of Nonsense -

Bartogg the Internet Troll

2008-08-20T09:13:00.007+08:00

Meet Bartogg the Internet Troll. He’s part of a very unique species of trollkind called the Internet Trolls. Most traditional trolls we know live under bridges, carry clubs and have high strength stats but terrible dexterity and intelligence. Internet Trolls are in a sense rather similar to this although they have one common trait which their cousins from fantasy don’t. Mainly, they are part of reality and they live on the Internet. In fact, Internet Trolls are annoying pest like beings on the inter webs, and if something isn’t done about them soon they might start creating opinions that actually matter.

According to Wikipedia, “An Internet troll, or simply troll in Internet slang, is someone who posts controversial and irrelevant or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum or chat room, with the intention of provoking other users into an emotional response or to generally disrupt normal on-topic discussion.”

Alright, back to Bartogg the Internet Troll. For clarity’s sake, Bartogg has allowed us to display a nice picture of him in his habitat to give us a better idea of what Internet Trolls really look like. Careful though, what you see below may shock you.

So I’ve taken the liberty to interview Bartogg to help the rest of us understand this mysterious group of trollkind and to see how we can eradicate them in future. So without further ado, let’s get this interview started.

Me: So Bartogg, before we get to the good parts, I’m just curious, why are you named Bartogg? In this day and age, it’s quite the unique name is it not?

Bartogg: Me not know. Me Bartogg cos me trollmum name me Bartogg. Bartogg not know what yuuunickk mean? Wat yuuunickk mean?

Me: Erm... you’re referring to “unique”? You don’t know what being unique means?

Bartogg: Me not good with funny word. Funny word Bartogg not know, Bartogg scratch much head.

Me: It’s alright Bartogg, we understand that Internet Trolls are rather thick are they not?

Bartogg: Intarnack Troll have thicky arm. So yarr. Internack troll are thicky cos they have thicky arm.

Me: Yes Bartogg, Internet Trolls have thick arms. But that’s not what I meant. I was clarifying that Internet Trolls are really quite stupid right?

Bartogg: IS YOU CALLING ME STOOPID!? BARTOGG NOT STOOPID! Bartogg Internack Troll very cleeverr, Internack Troll much cleeverr than dumb dumb forest trolls in forest. Bartogg not likey you. You calling Bartogg stoopid when Bartogg not stoopid.

Me: Wow. Why do I suddenly feel overwhelmed by a giant wave of irony...

Bartogg: Iron is good for make club! Bartogg have much iron for club. Bartogg likey use iron club for smash puny peoples.

Me: I... I... I think I need some aspirin...

Bartogg: Mmm? Is your ass pain? Bartogg ass sometime pain when Bartogg sitty on large cactuses.

Me: Never mind... Ok... Bartogg, since you’re an Internet Troll, which part of the Internet do you live in?

Bartogg: Oh, Bartogg now living in webseet call Youtoob. Bartogg likey too smash puny peoples in webseet Youtoob. Youtoob have much stoopid puny loud peoples and many many viddos. Bartogg not likey viddos, so Bartogg always say many mean things on viddos.

Me: Ok... so you’re currently living in YouTube? And you like commenting on the videos?

Bartogg: Yarh. Me live in Youtoob now. Bartogg also likey to smash puny peoples on viddos. Bartogg likey fight fight.

Me: So YouTube is one area where Internet Trolls frequent in... are there other places?

Bartogg: Yarh. Bartogg have many many frands. Bartogg have frands living in foorams and cheet rooms. Sometime Bartogg likey veesit frands in foorams and cheet rooms. Frands likey fight fight too.

Me: Forums and Chat rooms you say... Alright, but what do you trolls do in these places?

Bartogg: Bartogg and frands likey do many things. Bartogg and frands do likey poke at many peoples and likey start fight fight. Fight fight is veery fun. Bartogg likey when there is fight fight.

Me: But you do know it’s these thirst for fights that make you rather unpopular right?

Bartogg: Bartogg not know wat is unpoppylar. When Bartogg thirsty Bartogg drink water.

Me: No... As in...sigh... when you fight fight, the puny peoples not like. Right?

Bartogg: Snort! Bartogg not cares if puny peoples not likey. Bartogg likey see puny peoples fight fight, it feed Bartogg and make Bartogg happies.

Me: Wait. You said it feeds you? How on earth do fights feed you?

Bartogg: Me not know. All Bartogg know is if Bartogg start flames war Bartogg not need food cos Bartogg not hungaries.

Me: This is interesting. So watching people fight and argue on the internet feeds you?

Bartogg: Yarh. Bartogg is thinking so.

Me: Recently there’s been this thing called the “Do Not Feed the Trolls” movement or “DNFTT” for short, what do you think of this?

Bartogg: YAARRGGGHHH! BARTOGG NOT LIKEY DNFTT SIGN!! Bartogg hate when puny peoples not fight fight, Bartogg go hungaries and have to finds other fight fight. Sometimes Bartogg ask frands for some fight fight if Bartogg Youtoob no fight fight. Bartogg is hating DNFTT! Waaarrgggh!

Me: Just curious Bartogg, what would happen if an Internet Troll couldn’t start any fights or flame wars?

Bartogg: That sad. Bartogg hope that not happen to Bartogg. Bartogg know if Internack Troll not find fight fight then Internack troll is meltings away into pool of sugarcane water... That sad.

Me: Sad? Really? I kinda like sugarcane water... Heh heh.

Bartogg: WARRGHH! You wait! Bartogg find me iron club and Bartogg hit you with iron club! Bartogg not likey you Mistar Intarvieww man!

Me: And I guess that concludes our interview for today! Gotta run people-

Bartogg: YAAAAARRGGHH! Come back Mistar Intarvieww man! Bartogg want shows you Bartogg’s iron club! YAAAAARRGH!

- The State of Nonsense -

The Isle of Isms (Episode 3)

2008-08-18T23:57:00.010+08:00

Previously on the Isle of Isms, Nazism is still gunning the restaurant in a crazed frenzy while Activism rallies the rest and persuades them to stop arguing and focus on stopping Nazism. Mathematics devises a logical solution to the threat, which includes some violence much to the annoyance of Pacifism. The plan is that Activism will distract Nazism with the remains of The Arts while Democracy will knock him from behind with a chair. The rest wait as the duo proceeds to execute it.

Activism: Alright thanks guys, let’s go Democracy, I’ve got The Arts ready.

Democracy: Ok, I’m in position now. Proceed in 5 seconds.

Nazism: Hail Hitler!!! *Continues gunning restaurant with crazed frenzy*

Democracy: 4 seconds, 3 seconds...

Activism: 2 seconds, 1 second... and... NOW!

*Activism throws the remains of The Arts at Nazism*

Nazism: What the- AAHHHH MY EYES!!

Democracy: Take that you asshole! *Knocks Nazism with a huge chair*

*Nazism falls to the floor unconscious*

Optimism: YAY! Political Activism has brought down Nazism!

Totalitarianism: And yet I find that strangely discomforting for some reason.

Fascism: So much for Democracy being a peaceful ideology... Hypocritical bastard.

Pacifism: Sigh... so much violence... so much conflict... sigh...

Religion: Thank God this is over...

Cynicism: Bah! No big deal, any moron could’ve done the same.

Activism: Alright people! Now that this is finally over with, we gotta find a way to restrain him and send him to prison or something.

*Just then, a bunch of others who were watching from the outside walked in*

Environmentalism: Trees and Bushes! A fine mess this restaurant is in...

Nihilism: I see Death... All is woe... Death... So much death...

Post Modernism: Pickett claims the key to minor sub-patriarchal deconstructionism is, in a sense, bilaterally and collectively related to neodialectic paradoxical de-appropriation which in turn presupposes Gaiman’s cultural paradigm of natural consensus in a monostructuralist discourse.

Mathematics: Dude. What the heck are you saying??? Your lack of logic is confusing me.

Post Modernism: As with J.P. Harley’s theory of subconscious Foucaultist power relations to constructivist systems of outmoded perfectionism as a totality, this is Sontag’s bipolar relativity subject therein to post cultural narrative.

Mathematics: Wow. Just wow... you’re giving me such a headache...

Realism: Seriously, don’t bother. You’ve no idea how many people Post Modernism has driven insane. We’ve all given up.

Activism: Ok whatever. Let’s just be focused here people. What do we do with Nazism?

Nihilism: Does it matter? Why bother when this is all just... pointless... meaningless...

Capitalism: I suggest we hire some foreign low wage workers to help us tie him up first.

Activism: Ok... and after that?

Sadism: After that... we execute him with a nice 10,000 volt electric chair while gouging his eyes out and piercing his fingers with sharp pins. Heh heh heh...

Pacifism: You make me sick. Why kill him in the first place? Two wrongs don’t make a right...

Sadism: Because... it would be so so fun to do!!! I can see it now... Nazism writhing in sheer agony... Heh Heh Heh... the joy...

Science: Well, I can provide the electric chair. I’ve got an extra one at home. Courtesy of Faraday and Watt.

Environmentalism: But an electric chair consumes unnecessary power and resources! If we ban electric chair executions we’d have enough energy to run a small city for a month!

Capitalism: Yes, but if you ban electric chair executions the utility companies will suffer marginal losses which might result in a downward spiral of economic depression.

Environmentalism: Not everything is about your damn economy, the animals and trees have rights you know!

Communism: Say... you got a beef with Capitalism too? Come join our side brother... heh heh.

Totalitarianism: It’s “comrade” you moron, not “brother”.

Utopianism: I see... Communism and Capitalism holding hands... singing and dancing in the sunshine... I see... Science and Religion laughing and high fiving each other in blissful agreement...

Realism: Dude... Get Real.

Cynicism: Yeah right... like that’s ever going to happen...

Environmentalism: No way. As much as I hate Capitalism and his greedy ways, you are no better. In fact, you’re worse! Your stupid state has destroyed so much... and you have the gall to ask me to join you?? I should be punching you in the face.

Post Modernism: Delorean and P. B Micker’s entropic state of principle has exposited parallel traits on the premise of Cartesian duality upholding the dystrophic image that was responsible for the collapse of distinct language and associating classicism.

Mathematics: Oh my aching head...

*TO BE CONTINUED*

- The State of Nonsense -

Chairs are allergic to Grass

2008-08-17T12:19:00.004+08:00

I learnt something new yesterday. And that is, chairs are allergic to grass, and grass hates the sight of chairs. If you put the two together, they will undoubtedly begin to start quarrelling and fighting like a bunch of hissy teenage girls. I know because I’ve seen it happen.

Yesterday, someone placed a chair on some grass, and the results were something to behold. Immediately the grass begin to complain how sharp the chair legs were and how gay the chair looked amidst its own beauty in green. The chair, in turn, started bitching about how scratchy the grass was on its legs and how dirty the whole patch was. They were so pissed off with each other they started fighting.

Grass: Damn you Chair. Why do you have such irritating metal legs you asshole. Get off my ass! Your stupid legs are poking me in my ass.

Chair: Shut up Grass. You think I like standing on you?? Fat chance you piece of low life. I’d rather have Moses Lim sit on me than be here talking to you, so you can shove it thank you.

Grass: Don’t you get it you moron! You’re ruining me by standing there! You’re so ugly, you don’t deserve to be placed on my beautiful green patch you bastard so kindly sod off.

Chair: HAHAHA. You call this crappy cesspool “beautiful”?? HAHAHA. Seriously, you make me laugh so hard...

Grass: Sardonic laughter with sarcastic implications isn’t a comeback, dumbass. Get better material, or better yet, get bent already.

Chair: I’ll show you bent, you shit eating turd! Take that! *Violently uses legs to stomp on Grass*

Grass: Why you mother*$%#$%!!! *Slaps Chair with a barrage of foliage*

The fighting eventually got so bad, people had to intervene and remove the chair from the grass. Unfortunately, the chair was there so people could finish the semi finals of a Captain’s Ball tournament. So, with the resultant removal of the chair from grass and the subsequent ruling that no chair shall touch grass, no one could play Captain’s Ball anymore! I mean, it didn’t matter how hard the teams trained all year, it didn’t matter whether everyone was so damn pissed off, no, all that mattered was that CHAIRS ARE ALLERGIC TO GRASS, AND GRASS HATES THE SIGHT OF CHAIRS.

In the end, the game got changed to friggin Handball instead of Captain’s ball and of course no one in the real World plays Handball, so everyone got all grumpy and annoyed and started complaining about why chairs are allergic to grass.

This is a True Story.

- The State of Nonsense -

The Isle of Isms (Episode 2)

2008-08-15T12:49:00.009+08:00

Previously on the Isle of Isms, Science was arguing with Religion while Communism corrupted History and got the aid of Totalitarianism, Neo Marxism, Neo Nazism, Socialism and Fascism to help him fend off Democracy and Capitalism. In their heated arguments, Nazism got provoked by the word “Jew” and proceeded to machine gun the restaurant they were all in. The Arts, being the delusional moron that she was, thought the gun was pretty, and hence got her head blown off.

Religion: SCREW YOU Nazism! What the heck is your problem you bastard!

Nazism: DIE JEW DIE! *Continues gunning the restaurant*

Fascism: Dude, Stop! Much as I’d like to see Democracy and Capitalism dead, now is not the time! Put down that damn gun!

Totalitarianism: Big brother will not be pleased with this...

Nazism: Klagt nicht, kämpft! *Continues gunning the restaurant*

Democracy: This is all your fault Communism! If you hadn’t came out, Nazism wouldn’t be here!

Communism: Technically, it’s Marxism’s fault since he was the first of us.

Marxism: Hey, don’t drag me into this. I just wanted everyone to live in peace and equality unlike Capitalism. That greedy asshole.

Capitalism: Hey shut your trap! At least I didn’t help start a genocide, unlike SOME people I know.

(Also on the other side of the restaurant were a bunch of others hiding behind a huge table.)

Activism: Guys. Can we please focus on the problem at hand! Nazism has gone crazy and you’re all just cowering there arguing!? We need to do something!

Pessimism: We’re all going to die. We’re all going to die.

Optimism: No we’re not! Look Religion is asking God to help us. And I’m sure Science can invent something to stop a crazed ideology!

Religion: *Praying* Deliver us from evil... deliver us from evil...

Science: Huh?? What? I’m supposed to be neutral!! Wasn’t the atomic bomb enough??

Utopianism: Sighhh. Can’t we all just get along? I dream of the day where we can all live in peace and harmony, running in wild fields prancing on the daffodils...

Pacifism: Hell yeah. I’m with you on that bro.

*Meanwhile, Nazism is still gunning the restaurant with a crazed frenzy*

Activism: I can’t take this anymore. I must do something. Mathematics, can you think of a logical solution for this problem?

Mathematics: Actually, according to my calculations, we can use all that remains of The Arts as a distraction while we attack Nazism from a precise right angle where he least expects it.

Activism: That’s genial! Let’s get to it right now!

Cynicism: Bah! What’s it worth to you anyway. I bet you’re just doing this so you can become some glorified hero afterward, you egoistic nut job.

Pessimism: I’m scared! The plan won’t work I tell you!

Activism: Good Lord! You’re such a bunch of whiners...

Religion: Ahem! Please do not use the Lord’s name in vain. Thank You.

Science: Oh shut up and get back to praying you idiot.

Optimism: You have my full support Activism! With us all behind you, you’re sure to succeed!

Activism: Alright thanks. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’ll use the remains of The Arts to momentarily confuse Nazism and Democracy will sneak up from behind and knock him with a chair. How’s that sound?

Pacifism: Wait. So your brilliant plan to stop a violent ideology is with more violence??

Activism: Erm... Yes.

Pacifism: Oh so two wrongs make a right now? Isn’t there a more peaceful way? How about we try reasoning and negotiating with Nazism?

Democracy: Dude. Been there done that. Ended up with a World War.

Pacifism: Oh, Right.

Cynicism: Bah. Everyone thinks they’re right. Why can’t we all just shut up.

Activism: I’ll ignore that. OK. You ready Democracy? I’m all set here.

Democracy: You know, us teaming up, it’s kinda cool.

Activism: Yeah, we should totally give ourselves a name.

Science: Well, how about Political Activism?

Totalitarianism: Damn. Not that again. I hate Political Activism.

Communism: I second that bro.

Cynicism: Well how about we all just shut up and let them get to it already.

Optimism: Yeah! Go Political Activism! Gogogo!

*TO BE CONTINUED*

- The State of Nonsense -

Welcome to the World of Glass

2008-08-14T13:46:00.003+08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the World of Glass. Where porcelain statues of immense splendour and shining crystal artefacts lay before your very eyes. The panelled halls call and beckon to you, enticing you with their displays of sunlit sparkles. Flashes and twinkles of bright light, white, yellow and red dancing all around you. You are in the World of Glass.

Each display is always beautiful, ever changing in its own way. Some are tall, some are small, some stand alone, others with others, some blind you, some scare you and still others strike you with awe. The fine art of each piece, the detailed sculpture, the intrinsic value of every single one, they pierce your eyes and sear your soul with an overwhelming sense of wonder. The World of Glass is Majestic.

And as you stand right in the middle, amidst the glory, the beauty. You wonder, what are you doing in the World of Glass? Why are you here? To see what? To admire? To learn? To enjoy?

No. You are in the World of Glass because you cannot leave. You cannot leave because the World of Glass is cruel. Cruelty expressed with razor sharp flint edges. Hatred blinding you with intense white. Like an evil reflection, the World of Glass stares and sneers, always grinning, always mocking. You have been wanting to get out. You have been searching for the Exit for as long as you can remember. But you have never found it. The World of Glass is Evil.

You wander in circles around and around, enduring, searching, sometimes crying, sometimes laughing. The World of Glass numbs the mind, blinds your eyes, smothers your senses. You are perpetually fixated on transparent splendour. You see right through everything. Your eyes, they pass through walls like smoke through vents. And through all its grandiosity, its sparkling magnificence and splendid glory. The World of Glass is nothing, has nothing, will always be. Nothing.

The World of Glass hides with a transparent facade. That hole it can never close. That void it is so ashamed of. The emptiness in its dangerous beauty can only grow. It is always running. Running away from something, anything. For even with all of its wondrous and glorious works, The World of Glass will never escape, will never be safe, will never be happy. The World of Glass is trapped as it too, traps.

You stand on the edge of the World of Glass. You see the outside and there are multitudes of people. Countless numbers, just standing there, staring. They come in droves, more of them with each passing second. They stare at you. They stare at the World of Glass. They are looking for a way in. For the World of Glass always entices, seduces.

The World of Glass is not you, it is not me. It is neither here nor there. The World of Glass is not forever. And it knows this. For soon that day is coming, when its insides come crashing down. When its many halls crack and collapse, its displays smashed to smithereens, every piece into a million shiny little pieces flying. That elaborate facade will finally fracture and fade into nothingness. Into that very same nothingness it was so afraid of. The World of Glass will end.

- The State of Nonsense -

The Isle of Isms

2008-08-13T11:17:00.010+08:00

One day Science was having lunch. He was eating at a quaint little place called “The Took Restaurant” and was just enjoying a simple meal of Spaghetti with meatballs.

A while later he spots an old friend of his, Mathematics, who just so happened to be walking by the Restaurant. Science eagerly gets up and waves his hand to get the attention of his friend.

Eventually, Mathematics spots Science and with a smile, begins to walk into the restaurant, slowly, steadily and with precise steps.

Science: Greetings Mathematics, how fare thee on this fine Sunday morning!

Mathematics: My day is so far 76.4% misery, 13.6% unlucky, 3.2% nostalgic and 6.8% tiring.

Science: It certainly sounds as if you’ve had a bad experiment.

Mathematics: Tell me about it. I wake up this morning and the very first person I meet is that dreadful The Arts. She gave me a friggin 7.63328 headache on my 1 to 10 headache scale.

Science: Well, at least it wasn’t Religion. I would rather jump into a pool of H2SO4 then exchange pleasantries with that god bitch.

Religion: I heard that you atheistic bastard. (Religion just so happened to walk in. Or it could also be said that Religion is everywhere, since God is omnipresent.)

Science: Ohhh... You gotta be kidding me-...

Religion: You’re such a big ape, Science. And I’m telling The Arts what Mathematics said about her. She means... well... she means many things!

Mathematics: I don’t give a pi what she means! She’s messy! Disorganised! Unpredictable and about as rational as the square root of 2!

Democracy: Hey hey fellas... Do you mind! Can you not see? I’m trying to have a nice quiet peaceful discussion with Capitalism over lunch and you guys keep shouting, it’s difficult to concentrate.

Capitalism: I told you we should’ve eaten at Ducasse, at least the commoners wouldn’t be there to create a scene.

Democracy: Hey hey come on man, there’s no need for that. We’re all equal here. And Ducasse charges 200 bucks for a flaming pizza!

The Arts: Heeheehee. You’re all such a funny bunch! Lalala!

Mathematics: Oh great... when did you show up? Do you know how many Aspirin tablets I had to take from looking at your gaudy monstrosities? 105.34424323234! That’s approximately 67.234235% of my whole aspirin collection!

The Arts: But but... it’s so prreeetttyyyyy! Heeheehee!

Science: Oh for the love of God...

Religion: AH HAH! Did I just hear YOU use the Lord’s name in vain? Do you dare deny it!

Science: Look. We’ve been through this before. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GOD!

Religion: So says the big ape who can’t even explain where he came from.

Science: Oh and like you can?

Capitalism: YAWN. Can we move on people. You’re slowing the economy with your senseless babble. I bet if you’d just shut up, eat and pay for your food, oil prices would drop.

Communism: HAHAHAHA. That’s a laugh. Capitalism blaming Science and Religion for insane oil prices? HAHAHA. Talk about hypocritical.

Capitalism: Dude. Aren’t you like locked in the prison of the 1980s already? What’re you doing out here?

Communism: Sorry to disappoint, I paid History a thousand bucks to let me out. Plus I promised her I’d make a time machine when I rule the World.

Democracy: Well, we can always vote you off and send you back to the Russians again.

Communism: *Grins* Oh no my friends... this time I’ve got back up.

Capitalism: Yeah right... who would back a big useless lazy moron like you.

*In marches Totalitarianism, Neo Marxism, Neo Nazism, Socialism and Fascism.*

Democracy: O... K... totally didn’t expect that.

Totalitarianism: Comrades! My big brother says you can’t eat lunch here! He says you should be at work contributing to the glory of the nation instead of enjoying crap like freedom of speech and the 5 day work week!

Science: That’s hilarious. You actually know what freedom of speech means? HAHAHA.

Socialism: Shut up Science, you’re supposed to be neutral.

Religion: But it clearly states that God himself gave us the right to rest on the seventh day! Which is the Sabbath. That’s for the Jews of course... For the Muslims its Fri-

Neo Nazism: DID I HEAR THE WORD JEW! DIE JEW DIE! *Takes out an M16 and proceeds to blast the restaurant*

Mathematics: Everybody scale down! We’ve got an off tangent ideology here!

The Arts: Heeheehee! Pretty gun! HeeHee-splat. *Gets hit by a bullet*

Religion: NOOO! Nazism has killed The Arts!

*TO BE CONTINUED*

- The State of Nonsense -

Celebrities I wish would get Smashed by a Train

2008-08-12T00:05:00.013+08:00

1) Paris Hilton

... ... ... Words. They fail me when it comes to this atrocity we call Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton is the sum embodiment of all trash on Earth. And by trash I mean “compost heap it has been rotting for over a month and stinks like crazy” kind of trash. Heck, even trash is better, at least you can get rid of it. There is nothing redeemable about her whatsoever. She is what I call the ultimate expression of uselessness. The very physical manifestation of all that is worthless. Paris Hilton is a hypothetical psychological condition that would happen if all the spastic and brain dead people in the World lose their IQs.

I can’t stand Paris Hilton. For the love of all that is holy, why can’t she just shut up and go away. The amount of resources spent maintaining her damn face would probably generate enough money to run Ethiopia for 8 years. You know, there are many dangers the World faces today, threats like rogue nations, AIDS, global warming, terrorism, nuclear holocaust etc. But of all these, Paris Hilton is the one danger, the one granddaddy of all ultimate disasters that should be the focus of our forefront Global threat control.

Why? Because just imagine if Paris Hilton grew? What if this tumour in high society were to actually expand, increase and God forbid... multiply??? AAAAARRRRGGHH!! Does no one see what terrible dangers we face!? That’s it. I’m going to devise a self protection device from Paris Hilton infections. And after that’s done, I’ll be cooking up a strategy to deal with this monstrosity. I’ll call it “The Ultimate GET RID OF PARIS HILTON Protocol”. Check back soon to see it.

2) T-Pain

Oh great look! Here’s another mass produced straight from the damn cookie cutter factory black “rapper” that some moron thought would be nice to infect our radio waves with. I mean seriously, if I have to hear that stupid “Low” trash one more time I swear I’ll become a hermit. It’s times like this where you just envy deaf people.

And look, Mr T-Pain is so creative! Don’t you just love cool monikers!? I mean the wit is so overwhelming it staggers the mind! Just how on earth did he come up with such wordplay? Couldn’t he have just engineered something more relatable to oh I don’t know... his name maybe!? The connection between Faheem Najm and T-Pain are oh so obvious even a blind twit couldn’t tell the difference.

I bet one day he sat down and thought to himself. “Gee, I’m black. Therefore, I have to rap. And rappers are dope. So I too, have to get a dope name instead of Faheem Najm. I know! I’ll name myself after an unpleasant sensation that can range from mild, localized discomfort to agony!”

What a moron.

3) Zac Efron

I hate High School Musical. Period. No ifs, no buts, no “but it had great...” crap from any of you. It is by far the most overrated piece of hog shit I have ever seen. And trust me, I have seen much hog shit in my life.

And Zac Efron that bastard in the show was pissing me off left right and centre. Ooh look at me! I’m in the Disney channel dancing in a Basketball court! And don’t you just love the complexity of his character? A standard issue jock boy who JUST SO FRIGGIN HAPPENS to be the Captain of the Basketball team. Why must he be captain? Why? Is there a point you’re trying to establish here? Of course! Being captain automatically creates a social illusion that you’re apparently more important than others and establishes your identity as not just a regular idiot, but the leader of idiots. And in being the leader of idiots, he has every right to dance like an ape with a banana up his ass at random intervals wherever he is, no matter the time and regardless of social taboo or whoever is present.

What kind of name is Zac Efron anyway? Reminds me of the ever so successful company, Enron. That’s right. He’s exactly like Enron. Starts off well, looks good on the outside, wins the trust and admiration of blind sheep, looks big, acts big, but in the end, turns out to be a farce, cracks up inside, crumbles and fades into the never-ending abyss of suckitude.

4) Madonna

Madonna is like that old hag in the back of every train station that screeches random words to every stranger that walks past. The old hag doesn’t know she’s an old hag. The old hag thinks she’s some hot chick that men still want. But in reality, nobody cares and the police is soon called to get rid of her. Like a public nuisance just waiting to be eradicated.

She’s a bit like some political leaders I know. Refuses to leave even though it’s blatantly obvious that your time’s friggin up. She’s been hogging the scene for so many years people just sigh and pretend to look interested because they need to fill their lives with some form of meaning so they fill it with shit like celebrities and reality TV. Ooh! Look Clay Aiken has a son! Ooh! My life is now filled with a new found purpose! Idiots.

She’s like that rich, spoilt kid at the playground who refuses to get off the swing and let anyone else play. She’s that bitchy little pain in the neck that all the other kids don’t really want around but have no choice because she’s rich and her mum does bring the occasional free ice cream. But other than that, everyone just wants her to get off the damn swing and shut up already.

5) Chris Brown

Know what? Chris Brown actually wouldn’t be so bad if he would just shut up and go to his corner. My beef with Chris Brown lies in that audio “production”, I call it an audio production because calling it a song would be an insult to songs, titled “With You (I Need you, Boo)”.

The very first time I heard it, I thought to myself: “Either someone shoved a 3 ton helium canister in his pie hole or he's singing from his ass.” But after checking, I was imperially shocked that no! In actual fact, he was REALLY singing with his natural voice. The part that really pissed me off was when he said “I Neeeeed you Boo!” Every frigging time he “sang” that, I got literal goose bumps. AAAAARRGHH!! What in the heck is a Boo!? Who in this God forsaken industry allowed such lyrical nightmares to infect our society???

Some retards have argued that Boo is a term of endearment for your significant other, sort of like “dear” or “honey”. I mean I can understand the previous two, but BOO!? What the heck does it mean!? Why!? Can you imagine if you used that term for your significant other on a regular basis??

Boyfriend: Hi Boo, you’re looking booey today boo!

Girlfriend: My name’s not boo!

Boyfriend: I know! I’m just trying to act cute by calling you after a random word that is apparently defined by M-Webster as an “expression of contempt or disapproval or to startle and frighten”.

Girlfriend: ... ...

- The State of Nonsense -

We are all Suicide Bombers

2008-08-11T14:50:00.004+08:00

You, sir, are a suicide bomber. You, ma’am, carry a bomb everywhere you go. You made this bomb a long time ago. Your parents provided the parts. You put it together. Your friends gave you the timer. Your family has the detonator. You have the detonator. We have the detonator. You are a walking suicide bomber.

The bomb is strapped to you always. No matter how hard you try, you can never ever get rid of it. Not you, not me, not the most elite FBI Bomb Squad and most certainly not Rowan Atkinson. There is, however, only one way to remove it. And that is to detonate it. But if you detonate it, you will lose yourself. Lose your friends. Lose your family. And everyone around you will be in shock and pain. The only way to get rid of the bomb is to get rid of yourself. For that is the job, the call, the duty of a suicide bomber. You are that suicide bomber.

For what is a suicide bomber without a legitimate cause? Some do it for a promise of heaven. Some for freedom. Some for release. Some out of anger. Some out of sheer poverty. Some out of abject despair. What is your cause? Do you know what you’re fighting for? Why you’re carrying that bomb?

When and where are you going to strike? If you’re even striking at all. You are a walking time bomb. You strut day by day, in and out, you see so many potential targets around you. And each time you do, you feel that burden deep within you. The call of the red button. It’s flashing isn’t it? It has been flashing for a very long time now. So long ago, you can’t even remember. You can feel the fuses rub against your chest. The bomb straps lying heavy on your shoulder. The tiny wires twisted around, tickling your arms.

And as you go along, you see the others all around you. They disappear one by one. Their bombs go off in different areas, for different reasons to different people. With each explosion you feel your heart wrench, knowing that any time now, will be your turn. The red button has been flashing for a long time. People you know suddenly vanish, the bombs go off. Some in vain, some with success, some with disaster, but all of them leaves you with an increasing sense of hopelessness. Like a never-ending tunnel with no doors, no windows and no lights.

But that day eventually comes. When the call of the red button deafens your ears. It pounds within the very compounds of your head with a nonstop overwhelming urge. You can feel it pulsing at your temples. The constant loud knocks at a huge wooden door, it never stops. Your pace quickens and you start to feel dizzy, nauseous, lost. The red light flashes with eternal dread. It’s so much heavier now. So much more painful you can hardly breathe. Beads of sweat form on your forehead and you begin to realise how foolish this has all been. You begin to know, not just think anymore, know, that it has all been in vain. You know what you must do. The red button calls.

All you see is a flash. There was no pain. No fear. No sounds. No hatred, anger, bitterness. Nothing. Just a white light and then. You’re gone.

For we are all suicide bombers. And you, my friend, are the biggest one.

- The State of Nonsense -

Twisted Metal in a Garbage Heap

2008-08-11T00:14:00.007+08:00

Ooooohhh.. look at the attempt to be emo in a post title. Like... it’s so... full of angst and artsy and emo-ey. I mean what sounds cooler than twisted metal. It sounds so, so... ...twisted. And the nice part is that it’s not even twisted plastic or twisted nose hair because that would just sound damn lame. Twisted PVC Pipe, twisted polyester and twisted foolscap paper wouldn’t have quite cut it either. But look, it’s twisted METAL! Metal sounds so, so... ...metallic. I’m getting goose bumps just saying it.

And look at the use of the word “twisted”. The very sound of it brings forth feelings of fear. It represents the abnormal. Twisted hints at something that isn’t as it should be. Twisted is an expression of deformity.

Can you see it? Can you imagine it? As you think of the word twisted, slowly your mind begins to wander vast fields of wretched figures all writhing and violently vibrating on the grey parched landscape. Like that twisted vine in the distance, as it creeps ever so slowly up that rotten black branch devouring every life form in its way. The twisting and turning of that dark expression as it crawls nearer and nearer towards you flaying at your naked feet, gripping, grabbing, squeezing out the very life essence of the unfortunate.

And then... suddenly you see Santa Claus appear to your left. He is oblivious to the twisting twining abomination that is coming closer by the second and proceeds to hand you a present wrapped in a shiny red paper with a quaint caramel gold bow.

Santa: Here you go lad. Here’s a present for you.

Me: Dude. There’s like a freaky twisting mutant vine coming and you’re here to give me a friggin present!?

Santa: By Rudolph’s Nose! You’re right! There is indeed a freaky twisting mutant vine coming for you. Sorry lad, I’ve got to slim down. It’s this damn beer belly, gets in the way of me vision.

Me: Ok, do you have anything at all in that huge bag of yours that are of any use in combating this monstrosity??

Santa: Frankly, No.

Me: ... ...

Santa: We’re screwed aren’t we.

Freaky Vine: Waaaarrggghhh!!! Who shall I devour first!?

Me: Eat Santa! His bigger, fatter, 1178% more nutritious and Christmas flavoured!

*Freaky twisting mutant vine grabs Santa Claus by foot and proceeds to systematically devour his innards*

And that my friend, is why Santa Claus never comes in through the garden and why slimming and weight loss pharmaceutical conglomerates earn so much money.

So the next time you see a bottle of weight loss pills or a dieting kit, take some time to remember how dear old Santa got squeezed to death and eaten alive by a freaky twisted mutant vine that could apparently talk.

- The State of Nonsense -

Irritating Profile Questions

2008-08-10T01:18:00.009+08:00

Well, I found this profile questions thingy floating around a few months back on some blogs and I'd thought it be a good way to start off this blog so... Yep. Below are ten random "get to know you better" questions that are asked and answered.

1) What are you most disappointed about?

When people hope and I miss the expectation.
When time comes and I miss the mark.
When opportunity beckons and I miss the train.

But above these,When I fail and yet learn nothing from it.

2) Where will you go if someone sponsors you a tour ticket?

First you got to clarify whether this includes fantastical, spiritual, Inter-dimensional and interstellar locations. If Yes, then I would definitely want to visit these places in order of categorisation:

Physical Earth - The USA, a tour to all its theme parks.

Interstellar - Andromeda, tour its various satellite galaxies.

Inter-dimensional - This is hypothetical as there is currently no scientific proof of a multi-verse existing. But if there were, I'd visit myself in the dimension that I was the most successful in.

Fantastical - Again, not really existing in current reality but if there were I'd visit LOTR's Middle Earth and tour ALL its sites.

Spiritual - Debatable existence. Atheists would complain and say there's no such thing along with most agnostics, empiricists, materialists and idiots. Heaven would be the place I'd like to visit.

3) What’s your favourite thing to do?

What an incredibly irritating question. I'm supposed to sum up ALL my interests and passions into one theoretical expression termed "thing"? What the heck is "thing" supposed to mean anyway? In our vernacular, thing is supposed to be an official term for "an object". Well...... If I really have to sum it up...

My favourite "thing" is to do that which brings joy, happiness and fulfilment.

4) Do you think money can buy happiness?

This question is inherently flawed as it firstly assumes that everybody agrees this isn't a technical question and secondly happiness theoretically doesn't exist. How the heck do you buy something that doesn't even exist?? Also, from a strict ontological point of view, money doesn't exist either since its value is created by human perceptions and established systems. And since technically the answer would be an obvious No, most people would argue this questions hypothetical standpoint and probably accuse me of being too anal retentive of which I would gladly respond with a big Screw You.

However, taking this as a hypothetical question discussing abstract concepts of emotion, I would say money can buy the things that would maybe bring the feeling which we call happiness. Money cannot directly buy happiness. Also note that things that make people happy are in essence, relative.

5) If u can have one dream to come true, what will it be?

To have all my dreams come true. What? You think I only have one? Well, although you state that only ONE can come through I'm exploiting a loophole not clarified in this question as I indeed do have a dream that all my dreams come true. It's called the mother and father of all dreams, or MAFOAD. MAFOAD is my ultimate dream.

6) Do you believe you can survive without money?

Yes. Assuming that surviving means to exist. Existence in this case isn't defined as merely residing in a physical body. I'm assuming it means my spiritually enduring form that's going to last all of eternity. If that's so then I'm afraid money isn't necessary at all. It'll take more than a few wads of Benjamins to wipe me off the space time continuum. Although my previous statements probably violated various ontological principles.

If however, surviving merely means the time spent in a physical body then yes, money would mean a tad more. Theoretically it is possible to survive but it is by no means easy. For survival to happen you'll probably need to live on ground fertile enough to grow your own food. Of course the seeds for aforementioned food has to be attained in the wild and not bought. Or you could just become a hippie.

7) Have you ever played an instrument?

What is defined as "instrument"? Well most people would straightaway draw the inference that "instrument" refers to "musical instruments" But you can never be too sure.

I have used and handled many instruments of death. Namely knives, bowling balls and BB guns.I have used people as my instruments as well. Namely for message passing and political manipulation.I have also wielded virtual instruments of doom and mass destruction. Namely launching nukes, rifts, weather storms and ion cannons in PC games.

Note that the question also said "played" which means as long as you have handled a musical instrument in such a way as to produce some sort of definitive sound it could be included. In that framework then, I have played the acoustic guitar, the bass guitar, the electric guitar, the drums, the recorder, the triangle, the kazoo, the keyboard, the grand piano, the normal piano, the tom toms, the violin and the thing with the bells.

8) If you win $1million, what will you do?

I would put into activation my master plan for global domination. If you would like to know what my master plan for global domination is then just keep checking in. I might just write an entry about it when I’m in a particularly destructive mood. Which is, I assure you, not uncommon.

9) What do you think of yourself?

HAHAHA. Nice Try.

10) If you have a chance to choose, will you want to go back in time? When will it be?

If I had a chance to go back in time, here is a detailed exposition of what I’ll be doing. Firstly, I’ll go back to the time where God was still creating Earth. At this point, I’ll be bringing along a Sony DCR-SR55E 40 Gb HDD Camcorder to capture the whole damn thing. Why? So when I get back I’ll be able to one and for all, shut those annoying atheists and evolutionists and their fancy arguments up and tell them to shove it. After capturing creation and its ongoing process, I’ll be there to observe Adam and Eve as they go about their daily lives. At this point, I would also be collecting fruit specimens from everywhere. Also, I’ll be dropping by the Tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil and examine the fruit. This is to see if it really is a damn apple. If it is, frankly, I’d be rather pissed. And the last thing I’ll be doing is to stop Eve from eating the fruit and damning the entire human race. Heck, I think I’ll beat up the serpent first.

Serpent: Did God really say you must not eat from any tree in the garden?

Eve: We may eat from any tree, except for that tree in the middle of the garden. We must not touch it, for we will surely die.

Serpent: You will not surely di-

Me: DON’T DO IT BITCH! YOU HAVE LIKE FRIGGIN. NO. IDEA. WHAT COMES NEXT!

Serpent: WTH. Dude, I’m trying to tempt someone here, could you kindly sod off. Thank-

*Blasts Serpent’s head off with a shotgun*

Eve: But the fruit is so prettyyyy...... I want some......

Me: NO! Don’t touch the damn fruit! Here, try this instead.

*Hands Eve a big bottle of Budweiser beer.*

Eve: What is that? Is it nice?

Me: Just shut up and drink Eve.

Eve. Wait... how do you know my name? Did Adam tell you?

Me: Erm. No. And it’s kind of a really long story.. like.. really long. Really really long. So...

*Takes Budweiser and gulps it down*

Eve: WAAAAASSSSSSUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!

And that is exactly what I’d do if I could go back in time.

- The State of Nonsense -

Resurrection is Costly

2008-08-08T12:20:00.000+08:00

Well so it is, that after a long hermit like withdrawal from blogging, I’ve finally decided to come back and write nonsense once again. Now I was recently asked why I’ve stopped blogging. Before I answer that difficult, deeply philosophical question that brings an air of mystery and much anticipation, I must first put on my sagely robes and appear like an old wise man. Give me a sec.

*Puts on Sagely Robes.*

Ok. Yes. Ahhh.. there we go. Why on earth did I stop blogging all those years ago and why have I decided to start it up again. Well, the answer is so complex I’m afraid some of you reading this may just die from a cerebral haemorrhage, although I’m not entirely convinced if that’s a bad thing. Anyway, brace yourselves as I bring forth the answer. The reason why I stopped all those years ago was because... ... ...

...........

...........

...........

zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz...

...What?

Oh Right. Sorry. Wearing these sagely robes makes me feel sleepy. Where was I? Oh yes, why does Tinky Winky carry a gay red bag? Well.. I feel-

Huh? That’s not the question? Crap. I feel so ancient I’m having troubles remembering jack. I think I’m going senile. Wooheeheeheeheeeee! Mumble Mumble.

Alright Alright! The reason why I stopped blogging was because... I was just too damn lazy. Updating and maintaining a blog is work and after awhile, you just can’t be bothered. For some people, blogging is a necessity, for others it’s a way of expressing their pent up feelings of anger and self loathing. Some use blogging as a way to type random seizure inducing twit text ranting about how Boon Teck the ever gallant Ah Beng wouldn’t call them last night. But I digress, personally, I see blogging is an avenue of creative expression, an outlet to release my nonsense and a way to flex my writing capabilities.

With that said, I’d like to just bring up a few of my favourite blog posts from ancient past. These entries mean something to me, and although I’m pretty sure many of you have probably already read them, I’m still putting it up here because I can.

So, join me in this exciting blogging journey as I hopefully keep the steam and update regularly enough. If this is your first time here, I bid thee welcome and do tag if you’ve got something to say, rant, criticise, scold, comment, encourage and if you get that strange urge to type spam... I suggest you do it here: www.getbentalrdy.com. Thank You.

Behold! My top three favourite posts from the past:

1) Modern Day Saviour

We all know that Jesus was born of a virgin birth during the Roman Empire right? Where mangers still existed, crucifixion was still in practice and donkeys were used to travel. But have you ever thought why God planned it for Jesus to come at that time period instead of any other time? Why couldn't Jesus come in this time? What if Jesus decided to come in this modern era? What would the Bible be like? Who would the apostles be? Who would Judas be? Interesting thought isn't it? Yes it is.

Well.. for starters, Jesus wouldn't be able to justify his virgin birth very well if he were to come at this age. Why? Because of science. Science has enabled birth without sexual intercourse, through a process called artificial Insemination. Or test tube babies and the lot. It would've been actually 'humanly' possible for Mary to give birth to Jesus without having to see an actual penis.
So, when Mary announced she was pregnant and a virgin at the same time, people would simply go:"Oh. Test tube? Must be. Congratulations."

Secondly, what would it be like for Jesus to actually attend school? or a Junior College? or a polytechnic? or how about ITE while we're at it. What do you think his test grades will be like? Imagine Jesus in a science lab having chemistry practical.

Teacher: Alright Class, I have here a beaker full of concentrated Hydrochloric acid. And in my hand is a strip of blue litmus paper. Now, as you all know, when I dip this litmus paper into the acid, the blue litmus paper will change colour. But do any of you know what colour it will change into?

Student Bob: Yes! Yes! I know! I know!

Teacher: Alright, Bob, what do you think the colour will be?

Student: Red! Duh! Read the book yesterday.

Teacher: Yes Bob. Thank you, Red is indeed correct.

Student Jesus: Erm.. Ma'am, i beg to differ.

Teacher: Yes Jesus? You don't think it will turn red?

Student Jesus: No it won't ma'am. The litmus paper will remain blue, but the hydrochloric acid will turn into red wine.

Class: *Laughs hysterically*

Teacher: Erm.. I'm pretty sure it won't Jesus. Really.

Student Jesus: O Ye of little faith.. trust me, it will turn into red wine.

Student Jim: Shaddup smart ass! The litmus' is going to turn red and the acid remain acid. It says it here in the book. Look! Page 76, right there.

Teacher: I'm afraid Jim and Bob are right Jesus. The acid will remain acid and the blue litmus changed to red.

Student Jesus: Why don't you put it into the acid then. And we'll see.

Teacher: Alright Class, look closely now as i lower the blue litmus paper into the
acid.

Teacher: *Dips the litmus paper into the beaker of acid*

- The hydrochloric acid slowly changes into a red weird smelling liquid. -

Class: *Loud Gasps*

Teacher: *Lifts up the litmus paper* OHH MYYY GOD...

Student Jesus: AHEM! Please kindly refrain from using that phrase...

Teacher: I.. I.. I don't believe this.. am i dreaming?

Students Jim and Bob: o.0

Student Jesus: No you are not dreaming. Told you it would turn to wine. Go ahead, taste it. It's the best red wine there is.

Teacher: *Dips finger into red weird smelling liquid and tastes it*

Teacher: It is wine! I really can't believe this happened! Its illogical! Scientifically impossible! Impossible! But yet.. yet.. its right here.. How...

Student Pam: Excuse me ma'am, but is this coming out for the test?

*Teacher faints*

Well.. as you can see.. our time is not a very good time for Jesus to come right? And what about the crucifixion? If Jesus chose to come at our time, it would be politically impossible for him to get crucified. Why? Because crucifixion is banned in most countries. It is deemed as too cruel a death even for serial killers and rapists. Too cruel indeed. The victim dies of sheer exhaustion. Horribly inhumane. So.. if Jesus chose to come at our age then how would he die? And one other thing, if he wasn't crucified there wouldn't be a cross for the symbol of Christianity now would it? Interesting thought.

So.. how would Jesus die if he couldn't be crucified. What are the various execution methods practiced in the 21st century? Well.. Hanging is one, poison is another, electrocution is yet another and perhaps death by the bullet even. By far the most commonly practiced would be death by hanging. So.. if Jesus came today, he would be eventually hanged and the symbol for future Christianity would be the rope. Lol. Imagine. Having a rope as a symbol on every church. Having necklaces with the rope on it. Interesting. Far-fetched, but interesting.

It's a really good thing Jesus has already come and we are now saved. Or rather, we now can choose to be saved. A very good thing indeed. How many of us actually take salvation for granted? I know I have. So.. take the time today to thank God for coming already and giving us this wonderful gift of eternal life. Yes.

Till next time.

Disclaimer: This post is entirely fictitious and is only meant for entertainment. No offense directed at Christianity. Just plain humour and answering the 'What if question." Nothing more.

2) The Courage of Blankness

Art. Was having a conversation about art with some friends yesterday. Apparently, one of them took the art elective program *cough* (you know who you are. haha.) and was telling us about the legality of submitting a blank sheet of white paper and calling it 'art'. According to her, all one has to do in justifying the blank sheet was to do a write up and explain why the white blankness of paper was 'art', and the teacher would accept it. The art teachers accept a piece of blank paper as art!!! Now, i've got one thing to say. That is cool. If only we could all do that for all subjects!!! Aaahh!! If only i could pass up a blank sheet of paper for every chinese assignment. And then with an english explanation at the back:

Dear Lao Shi,
This paper is not blank as it seems to be to you. The world is moving towards a stage of post modernism where everything is subject to relative thinking and self analysis. As we can see here, we have a rare piece of 'zhuo wen zi' with all the lovely grid lines forming cuboid shapes that accentuate the exquisite essence of the beauty of nothingness. The lines are too beautiful to destroy in my eyes and i am sure that a lao shi of your intellectual calibre can see that the importance of the blankness is to high to even consider the destruction of what pen ink can cause. I am sure that someone such as you will be able to understand the need of protection of high art such as the genius in blankness. Surely a trifle such as the writing the 'zhuo wen' will never take the place of beauty such as this. Also, one can see that between the spaces of the squares you can actually see wondrous things. Things that the mind conjures to fit what each individual desires each so called 'empty' square to be. So, the 'empty' squares are not necessarily empty but rather 'intellectually filled'. What i'm saying is that its up to you my lovely lao shi to decide whether the squares are empty or not. If you are the ntellectual being in which i think you are, you will say: "No. It is not empty but rather filled with the ingenuity of my students.". If you are not, sadly, you disappoint us. I await your answer with great anticipation and expectation.

-My Chinese name which i will not reveal here-

Tell me. Wouldn't that be cool if that were actually legal??? Sadly, our narrow minded education system only seems to concentrate on the absolution of subjects. We as creative and open minded students are forced into intellectual boundaries that our so called society imposes on us. So, unfortunately, we cannot practice the above example to our actual homework. Sad isn't it?

Unlike other education systems which i've heard of, the teachers actually accept 'creative' answers in exams or homework. Like in America for instance, i heard this true story of a guy named John who did something that was friggin cool in one if his exam papers. Ok. Wait. Who am i kidding? Sorry, i lied. His name wasn't John. It was Jon. If your name happened to be Jon, remember, that is only a mere coincidence and this Jon has nothing to with you. So relax Jon.

Ok. Back to my point. Jon. The American dude who did something cool. What did he do? Well, it was 3pm and he was sitting in an exam hall awaiting his English Compostion Examination papers to be given out. Remember, it was an English composition Exam. After the teachers gave out the papers and the exam had commenced, Jon flipped the paper over and read the question.

Essay Question: What is courage to you? Write an essay of not more than 800 words answering this question. (40 marks)

Jon stared at the question for about 1 minute. He just sat there thinking. Thinking of what to write. Then he had it. He took the piece of foolscap paper he was given and wrote his name and all the necessary default crap needed to. Then on the answering area, he wrote three words.

"THIS IS COURAGE."

And with this he took his paper, walked to the front and handed it up. All done within 3 minutes. His two hour English Composition paper done within 3 minutes. He left immediately and went home to sleep, played Ragnarok Online and basically felt pretty darn pleased with himself.

Now, that is cool. Cool and creative. And know what else? He got an A for that paper. An A. No 'faeces'(or otherwise known as shit). Unfair world this is. After hearing this story, i sat down and thought for awhile. Could i have done the same thing? Maybe Yes. Maybe Not. And another thing i realised could happen. If it had been another question could Jon have answered it the same way? my answer? Yes.

Another question.

Essay Question: What is stupidity to you? Write an essay of not more than 800 words answering this question. (40 marks)

Jon's answer?

"THIS IS STUPIDITY."

Cool.

3) I will Never be Ironic

I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. I hate repeating myself.

I HATE TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS. IT IS SO ANNOYING!!! I FLAME ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO TYPES IN CAPS!! AARRGHHH!!! PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN CAPS SHOULD BE BURNT ALIVE!!! AARRGGHHH!!! STOP TYPING IN CAPS YOU NUTS!!! I CAN'T STAND IT!!! GO AWAY YOU CAPS NUTS!!!! GO AWAY!!!

I hate ppl hu constantly typ in acronyms n shortforms. they r so irritating. cant they jus learn to typ in ful words? stupid ppl, l8er become habit n all fail eng. lol. duncha agree wid me? tt ppl hu typ in shortforms shud be shot? yes u do? Gd fer u man! U rok!

You know what I hate? Do you know? Care to try and guess? Yes? No? Maybe? How much time do you need to guess? Will one second do? Or is one second too short? If i give you ten seconds will that be better? Will it? Or have you given up already? Try harder perhaps? Have you forgotten the question? What else do i hate? So.. have you got it? Yes? No? Maybe? Give up? Okay? Want me to tell you now? Alrights...... I hate people who constantly ask questions.

Ilovespacesinbetweenmywords.Ijustlovepressingthespacebar.Don'tyou?Thespacebarrocksdosen'tit?Howwouldtheworldbelikewithoutthespacebar?Suckswouldn'titHorrible.Ican'timaginetheworldwithoutthespacebarman.Shudderjustthinkingaboutit.You?Wouldyousurvivewithoutthespacebar?Iamsureyoucan't.

I love blog posts that are full of meaning. You know the ones where you go away thinking... wow... this blogger has taught me something new. On the contrary, i hate bloggers who just post random meaningless crap that just wastes your intelligence reading it. Like this damn lame post i saw just now. The blogger idiot kept harping on how much he hated repetition repetition repetition and how much he hated THE CAPS LOCK KEY and shortform words and questions and spaces between words.

I hate blogs.
And i hate ironies.
And i hate the word and.

- The State of Nonsense -